First Annual Hogwarts Camping Trip
by LxAxMxMxY
Summary: The students and faculty of Hogwarts School or Witchcraft and Wizardry are going on their first ever camping trip. Yay!
1. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!

**::Note from Lams:: **Just so you know there IS some somewhat perverted humor in here. I've been getting more and more reviews that have said it's too gross lately. So I decided that I'd just let you know in here as well as in my summary so that you won't read the whole thing just to tell me how disgusting I am. It's humor, get over it. Pretty much every PG-13 comedy movie is full of this stuff. But just in case, I think I'll up the rating to R so everybody's happy and so I don't get any more reviews that say "Gross! This story is icky! My mommy says to stay away from you! You're a bad, bad little girl!"

* * *

Harry, Ron, and Hermione walked down to the Great Hall. It was the last day of the school year. Like all of the other years Harry spent at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the year had been very eventful. During the winter holiday, Harry, along with some of the professors and other students solved the mystery of who killed Percy Weasley (_My first fic, do check it out._) And of course, there was the annual brush with Lord Voldemort. Harry had only just been released from the Hospital Wing. Lord Voldemort cast a particularly nasty hex at Harry that caused him to shout irrelevant cliche sayings. Fortunately, Madam Pomfrey had restored Harry to being mostly normal. However, anytime someone said the word "snake," Harry still shouted out strange saying like he had Tourette's or something.  
  
"Please take your seats, Students!" said Professor Dumbledore. The students all obliged and took their seats at their various house tables.  
  
"Now, first I would like to thank you all for a wonderful year," began Professor Dumbledore. "Why, this year Lord Voldemort found his way into the school again, breaking the school record for the most consecutive years violent criminals have found their way into the school. Wait! Actually, it wasn't a wonderful year. In fact, it sucked. You suck. You're the suckiest bunch of suckers that ever sucked. I'm so out of here, you suckers!"  
  
McGongall shot Dumbledore a disapproving glance from her position at the Professors' Table.  
  
"Err... I was just kidding. You see, I'm slightly drunk," said Dumbledore. "As you can see, my liquor cabinet has been restocked since young Mr. Malfoy snuck in and drank it all."  
  
"And may I say the rum was superb, Dumbly old sport!" said Draco Malfoy as he rose from the Slytherin table.  
  
"Wooo!! Go booze!" shouted Professor Trelawney.  
  
"Anyway," continued Dumbledore, "now is the time when I reveal who won the House Cup. Technically, Slytherin has the most points, but since I hate them, I'm now going to award some bonus points to Gryffindor so they can win instead. Hmm, 700 points to Hermione Granger of Gryffindor because she has an orange cat. 1500 points to Ron Weasley of Gryffindor because his mom sent me a Christmas card this year. And a million points to Harry Potter of Gryffindor because his name starts with the letter 'H.' So the winner of the house cup this year is -- GRYFFINDOR!"  
  
Professor Snape looked positively appalled and the rest of the Slytherins were shouting cuss words at Dumbledore.  
  
"No, YOU'RE the douchebag, Mr. Malfoy!" shouted Dumbledore back towards the angry Slytherins. "Yes, Miss Parkinson, I know you are but what am I? La la la la la la, I can't hear you!" said Dumbledore as he stuck his fingers into his ears.  
  
Finally, the shouting subsided and the Great Hall was nearly silent with the exception of a few muttering Slytherins.  
  
"Can you believe that old bat?" said Crabbe. "He completely cheated us out of the House Cup. What a snake!"  
  
"I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!" shouted Harry.  
  
Everyone stopped what they were doing and stared at Harry.  
  
"What the bloody hell was that all about?" asked Ron, jabbing Harry in the ribs.  
  
"Ron, you stupid bastard! If you remembered anything, you would know Harry involuntarily shouts things when someone says S-N-A-K-E," said Hermione.  
  
"Oh! I remember now," said Ron. "He shouts things whenever he hears the word snake."  
  
"WHO'S YOUR DADDY?" shouted Harry.  
  
"Ron, you are such a dumbass!" scolded Hermione as she slapped him a good one.  
  
"So anyway, this concludes the year at Hogwarts," said Dumbledore. "Now, get into the carriages and get the hell out of here! Oh, except for those of you who are going on the First Annual Hogwarts Camping Trip. In which case, the list of students and chaperones are posted in the back."  
  
"I nearly forgot all about the trip, I've been having so much fun with my studies!" exclaimed Hermione.  
  
Harry and Ron both rolled their eyes. "Well I haven't been able to stop thinking about it," said Harry. "It's a whole week I won't have to spend with the Dursleys."  
  
"I haven't been able to stop thinking about it either," said Ron. "All the money mum and dad had to pay... I hope they can afford it."  
  
"Dammit Ron! Could you for once shut the hell up about being poor," snapped Hermione. "I mean think about it, your dad has a cushy government position, and yet you manage to be worse off than me. And I'm a Muggle born. Do you have any idea what the exchange rate from pounds to galleons is? Have you ever wondered WHY you are so damned poor? Your dad's got to have a taste for the hookers or something."  
  
Ron's face grew red. To avoid any conflict, Harry quickly lead Ron and Hermione to the trip list posted on the back of the Great Hall. "Let's see who's going on this trip anyway."  
  
**First Annual Hogwarts Camping Trip  
**_Trip Coordinator - Professor Albus Dumbledore_

**Boys List**  
_Professor Snape - Chaperone_  
Harry Potter  
Draco Malfoy  
Colin Creevy  
Gregory Goyle  
_Professor Hagrid - Chaperone_  
Ron Weasley  
George Weasley  
Fred Weasley  
Vincent Crabbe

**Girls List**  
_Professor McGonagall -Chaperone_  
Lavendar Brown  
Parvati Patil  
Pansy Parkinson  
Hermione Granger  
Luna Lovegood


	2. Riding the Short Bus

"Professor Snape's group!" exclaimed Harry. "That sucks ass!"  
  
"Shut up, Harry. I wish I was in Professor Snape's group," said Hermione. "McGonagall's a good teacher and all, but there's nothing sexy about sleeping in a tent with her."  
  
Both Ron and Harry turned and vomited. The thought of anyone finding Professor Snape sexy was absolutely disgusting to them. But ever since that winter, it appeared Hermione had developed a rather large crush on him.  
  
That night, they packed their belongings and went to sleep. They would have to wake up bright and early to head out to get a good spot on the bus.  
  
Finally, the next morning came and the entire group was assembled outside the school.  
  
"We will be camping in the Muggle sense of the word," said Professor Dumbledore. "This means small and uncomfortable Muggle tents with no indoor plumbing. Don't make that face, Mr. Malfoy. It will be a learning experience. So turn that frown upside down!"  
  
Malfoy contorted his mouth into a very forced looking grin.  
  
"That's a smile, not an upside-down frown. Work on that too," said Dumbledore. "Now, we will be going to the campsite via the Knight Bus. I've already made arrangements to be picked up, it should be here any minute now... oh yes! There's old Ernie there! Get your bags and hurry up now!"  
  
The Knight Bus pulled up, but it looked different, like a school bus.  
  
"Hey Harry!" said Stan Shunpike.  
  
"What's with the bus?" asked Harry.  
  
"Oh, well, last week Ernie ran it right into a Piggly Wiggley. Haha, a left a lot of people severely injured, and even worse, a jar of mayonnaise inside the store fell over and broke. Oh well, I suppose that's what you get when you have an old man driving this crazy contraption around. He probably should have taken the Alive at 55 class, or at least Driver's Ed. But until we get a new Knight Bus, we will be taking this old school bus. You'd better hurry up and get on board though, Harry."  
  
Harry walked onto the bus and sat down in a seat near the front next to Ron. As soon as he sat down, Professor Snape walked in and started calling attendance. As soon as he saw everyone was aboard, he looked for a place to sit. There were only two seats left on the entire bus.  
  
"You can sit by me, Professor," said Hermione Granger, gently tapping the space next to her and batting her lashes. "Ugh!" Professor Snape thought in disgust. He definitely didn't want to sit by her.  
  
He turned his glance towards Dumbledore, who started winking and gave Snape a seductive, come hither wave. Yuck! He never thought he'd think this, but he decided he'd take his chances sitting next to Granger. He reluctantly sat down in the spot next to her.  
  
"Okay! Looks like we're ready to roll!" shouted Stan. "Hit it, Ernie!"  
  
And with that, the bus took off.  
  
"I've got a game we can all play!" shouted Dumbledore enthusiastically. "I spy with my little eye..."  
  
"That game's lame!" said Draco. "Let's sing 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall!"  
  
Draco and his goons, Crabbe and Goyle started singing and most everyone else joined in. Suprisingly, Hagrid sang an excellent soprano.  
  
Professor Snape, on the other hand, looked like he'd rather beat his head against the wall. And it didn't help that Hermione kept trying to make conversation with him the entire time. "Professor Snape, you're really smart. Professor Snape, I learned so much this year. Professor Snape, do me now." Uggh! He wanted to strangle her. This was going to be a long bus trip. 


	3. Don't Drop the Soap

_Okay, sorry it took me forever to update this thing. I've been working on two stories at once, not a good idea. Thank you for all your_ _reviews so far. MelRobbo - I do watch the Simpsons, I love that show! I probably did rip it off in the first chapter. Actually, pretty much everything I write is a bad rip off of something else. Who Killed Percy Weasley is pretty much a rip off of Clue (Although someone told me it reminded them of an episode of Clueless) and Yes, I'm Going Back to School is loosely based on Billy Madison. Anyway, now to the story_

* * *

"Two bottles of beer on the wall, two bottles of beer! Take one down pass it around..."  
  
"Meh, I'm bored of this song," said Draco. "Let's do something else."  
  
"I've got an idea! Let's play a rousing game of SHUT THE HELL UP!" shouted Dumbledore as he tried to take a nap.  
  
"I feel like taking a nap too," said Hermione. "Professor Snape, can I lean against your, strong, masculine shoulder?"  
  
"You have a headrest, I suggest you use it," he snapped back.  
  
Hermione reluctantly leaned back and closed her eyes. However, once she fell asleep, she grabbed Professor Snape's arm and started cuddling it against her as she slipped her head onto his shoulder. He immediately pushed her off, but she kept doing it again and again. Snape was beginning to think she wasn't really sleeping at all.  
  
Suddenly, the bus stopped with a sudden jolt.  
  
"Tell me we didn't hit another Piggly Wiggley!" Stan exclaimed fearfully.  
  
"Relax, Stan. We've just arrived at Sunny Nifflers Campground," said Harry as he reached for his belongings and started moving off the bus.  
  
"Oh, right! I just couldn't bear to see another jar of smashed mayonnaise. See you later Harry!" Stan shouted.  
  
Everyone stepped off the bus and walked out onto the wooded ground. "Okay everybody! Find your chaperone and start putting up your tents," called out Dumbledore.  
  
"Aaah!!!!" screamed Lavender Brown. "SNAKE!!!"  
  
"THAT'S NOT A BALD SPOT, IT'S A SOLAR PANEL FOR A SEX MACHINE!!" shouted Harry.  
  
"Uhhh, right Harry," said Hermione. "I'll take care of the you-know-what."  
  
"Hold on a minute, Hermione," said Luna Lovegood. "That's not an ordinary snake..."  
  
"ALL BOW TO THE GREAT MUFFIN KING!"  
  
Luna ignored Harry and continued, "It's not a S-N-A-K-E, it's a Subterranean Three-Horned Buggler."  
  
"Awesome!" said Colin Creevy, pulling out his camera and taking a picture of the snake.  
  
Hermione rolled her eyes. Luna was an idiot. She pulled out her wand, and shouted, "Petrificus Totalis!" Suddenly, the snake froze.  
  
"Thanks Hermione!" said Luna. "I can take this home and show it to my dad. A real Subterranean Three-Horned Buggler! He'll run the story on the front page of the Quibbler!"  
  
"Would you like me to give you a pine cone to take with you too?" said Hermione. "You can pretend it's an alien spacecraft. Then maybe when you're done with it, you can shove it up your ass and call it the USS Enterprise!"  
  
"Hermione Granger!" shouted McGonagall. "I will not tolerate such behavior! Ten points from Gryffindor."  
  
"Umm, Professor McGonagall, school is over. Points don't matter anymore," said Hermione.  
  
"OH DEAR LORD!! I can't believe it!" exclaimed McGonagall. "I messed up on the point system. I sound like... like... DUMBLEDORE!! Ahh!! It's worse than I thought! Professor Snape! I need some booze quick!"  
  
"I'm sorry Professor McGonagall, I'm not foolish enough to carry alcohol with me on school-sponsored field trips," Professor Snape remarked snidely.  
  
"I've got some rum!" shouted Draco Malfoy.  
  
"THANK HEAVENS!" she shouted as she grabbed Draco's flask and chugged all the contents.  
  
"Damn it! That was a weeks worth supply of rum, and you drank it all!" shouted Draco. "_Now_ how is this trip going to be any fun?"  
  
Even Draco had never seen anyone pass out after drinking as fast as McGonagall did. She fell to the ground and started twitching and talking in her sleep. Apparently she was having a rather nasty nightmare about snakes.  
  
"Noooo!!! Snakes, snakes everywhere!" she shouted.  
  
"MAKE 7UP YOURS!!" shouted Harry.  
  
"Oh, I remember that slogan!" said Hagrid.  
  
Hermione turned to him, "What did it even mean anyway?"  
  
"Hoho, well, if you ever go to Azkaban like I did, you'll find many a meaning for the words 'up yours,'" said Hagrid. "Bit of advice, don't drop the soap."  
  
Hermione looked at him, slightly disgusted, but the awkward moment was soon broken by more of McGonagall's alcohol-induced snake hallucinations.  
  
"WELL TIE ME UP AND BASTE ME LIKE A TURKEY!" shouted Harry.  
  
It was getting dark, and nobody so much as had a post in the ground. "Since Professor McGonagall is incapacitated at the moment, and Harry's shouting like a madman, I suppose I'll have to just set the tents up with magic," Dumbledore sighed as he waved his hands and put all the tents up in one swift motion.  
  
Dumbledore turned to the group. "I think it'd be best if Harry was far away from Minerva right now. Ron, you and Harry go into the woods and look for kindling for a fire. Hermione, you and Professor Snape walk up to the grocery store and try to buy some of those hot-dogs. I'd like Hagrid, Colin, Draco, and Goyle to shoot every duck they can find within a five-mile radius of the campsite. Ducks -- my mortal enemy."  
  
"Dumbledore, I thought I was your mortal enemy," said Voldemort, who stepped out from behind a tree.  
  
"I have a life outside of you, Voldy," said Dumbledore. "Are we still on for tea at your aunt's house next Tuesday?"  
  
"Of course, Albus. My dear Auntie taped the series finale of Friends for us too, so we can watch that," said Voldemort.  
  
"Oh lovely!" said Dumbledore. "Well, I'll see you then!" he said as Voldemort trudged back into the woods.  
  
"Ahem, as I was saying," Dumbledore went on, "I'd like the Weasley twins and Vincent Crabbe to test out the skinny dipping here. The rest of you will stay with me and braid my hair into those cute little cornrows. Now, go to your respective duties!"


	4. Small Fry

"Ugh! We get stuck with a giant oaf and a future photographer for Us Weekly," said Draco to Goyle. "And worst of all, I have no booze!"  
  
"I chugged a bottle of vodka on the bus," said Goyle. "Maybe there's some alcohol in my urine. Want me to give you some of my pee, Draco?"  
  
"This story just keeps getting sicker and sicker," said Draco. "Next think you know, Lammy'll make really crappy penis jokes."

* * *

Crabbe, Fred, and George were all getting undressed by the lake.  
  
"Whoa! Check out the package of meat on Crabbe!" said Fred.  
  
"Dude! If I got that pork sword, I would ask for my money back!" exclaimed George, as he and Fred started laughing.  
  
Crabbe flushed and covered his manhood. "Stop looking at my trouser snake!" he shouted.  
  
"DADDY, WOULD YOU LIKE SOME SAUSAGE?"  
  
Fred turned to George, "Did you hear something?" he asked.  
  
"Nope," said George. "And Crabbe, really. That's more like a trouser worm. Trouser snake my ass!"  
  
"I'M HUNGRY LIKE THE WOLF!"  
  
"Fred, I heard it that time," said George.  
  
"Let's investigate, Georgy old boy!"  
  
"Let's!" And with that they looked behind a big bush and saw Harry Potter hiding behind it.  
  
"HARRY?!?!" said Fred and George in unison.  
  
"He was looking at my special area!" said Crabbe.  
  
"Harry, you've got some explaining to do," said Fred in a tone that sounded very much like his mother's.  
  
"Alright! I came out here to spy on you as you were skinny dipping," confessed Harry.  
  
"Eww!" said Crabbe, who placed his other hand over his family jewels, which was very unnecessary as one hand more than covered them up. Yeah, he was a small one.  
  
"Can you really blame me though?" said Harry. "I could either look at your sticks, or go gather sticks with Ron."  
  
"He's got a point," said Fred. "Our sticks are legend."  
  
"Doesn't anyone but me find this the slightest bit gay?" said Crabbe.  
  
"You're an idiot, Crabbe," said George. "Nobody calls it gay in fanfics, it's called a slash pairing."  
  
"Yeah," said Fred. "The Harry/Draco ones tend to be the most popular."  
  
"Whoa! How come I'm in this crappy story and not one of those awesome slash pairings?" pouted Harry.  
  
"Because Lammy sucks ass at slash," said Fred. "Unless you want small-package Crabbe going through the back door, I'd shut the hell up."  
  
Crabbe looked rather offended. "Wait a minute! You mean Potter is in all these slash fics? What about me? Goyle and I practically scream slashy goodness. I mean really, we're always together!"  
  
"Acutally," said George. "If you type 'slash goyle crabbe' into the fanfic.net search engine, you only get 13 results, and most are really for Harry/Draco pairings."  
  
"But if you type 'slash harry draco,' you get 699!" said Fred.  
  
"Haha! You said 69!" said Harry.  
  
Crabbe looked rather heartbroken. "Five books, with all that gay behavior, and all I get to show for it is a measly 13 slash pairings?"  
  
"'Fraid so, Crabby!" said George. "And like I said, it's actually less than that."  
  
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" shouted Crabbe.

* * *

"Did you hear something," said Professor Snape as he trudged along the side of the road.  
  
"I can no longer hear a scream in the night, only the beating of my heart!" sighed Hermione.  
  
_"Dear Lord! Why did I have to get stuck with her?"_ thought Snape.  
  
They came to a small little Muggle grocery store and walked in. Professor Snape looked around him. The place smelled foul, like oil and Windex. The store was lit with hideous flourecent lighting, which showed how absolutely dirty the floor was. He saw two old men in sweatpants and baseball caps leaning against the produce, one of which was picking his nose.  
  
"And THIS is where Muggles buy their food?" said Professor Snape, haughtily.  
  
Hermione didn't hear him. She was already skipping off to get the hot dogs. Before Professor Snape had time to look around much, she came bounding back with them.  
  
"I've got them, Professor Snape!" she said. "I decided to go for the footlongs, but I'm willing to bet they've got nothing on you!"  
  
Snape almost puked. That was the grossest thing he had ever heard. Kids these days, they were just getting worse and worse. He walked with Hermione up to a cash register.  
  
Hermione placed the pack of hotdogs in front of a raven-haired girl with a lot of piercings. The girl ran the package across a laser and put the hotdogs into the bag. Professor Snape read her name tag, "Delia," it said.  
  
"Hey, what are you staring at? Are you staring at my boobs?" said Delia.  
  
"Why would he be staring at your boobs?" scoffed Hermione. "He's got me to look at."  
  
"No wonder he was staring at my boobs," said Delia. She turned her gaze to Professor Snape. "Hey, you're kind of sexy," she said. "I get off in 15 minutes, you wanna do something?"  
  
Professor Snape stood there silent. Did he just get asked out? However, Hermione was anything but silent. Her face got red, and before Snape knew what had happened, Hermione's wand was out and she pointed it at Delia.  
  
"Oooh, you point that stick at me, little girl. I feel really threatened," she said. "Why don't you go home and play dollies?"  
  
"Engorgio!" shouted Hermione. And with that, Delia swelled up like a beach ball.  
  
"SECURITY!" shouted Delia. Suddenly, two men wielding bats came rushing at Hermione and Snape.  
  
"Run!" said Hermione, as she grabbed Snape by the hand and dashed out of the store. 


	5. PipPip, Tally Hoh!

**::Note from Lams::** Thanks to all of you who keep reviewing my stories. You're completely awesome! Special thanks to She-who-must-not-be-named666 & KeithUrbanFan, who keep reviewing my stuff. You guys rock! The rest of you guys have got to check out KeithUrbanFan's For Better or Worse, We're Stuck. It's one of the funniest fics I've ever read. I'm completely addicted to it. And She-who-must-not-be-named666 is quite possibly the best slash author on here. You've got to check out some of her stuff too, I recommend the Fred/George one. Yummy! Thank you all again! I'll get back to the story now.

* * *

While Hermione and Snape were running from the fuzz, Draco and Goyle were trying to keep one step ahead of Colin Creevy.  
  
"Hey you guys!!! Wait up," called Colin as he ran through the bushes.  
  
"Can't we just pretend we thought he was a rabbit and Avada Kedavra him the hell out of here?" Draco said to Goyle.  
  
"Ah'm afraid ye can't be doin 'a', Malfoy," boomed Hagrid.  
  
"What the hell are you saying?" said Malfoy. "I can't understand a word of it!"  
  
"Ah sez, ya can't be Avadeur Kedavreeam young Creevy 'eear," said Hagrid.  
  
"Damn, you need a speech class!" said Draco as he pointed his wand at Hagrid. "Adfabiliso!"  
  
"Wha' t' 'ell?" shouted Hagrid just before he got hit by the spell. He tumbled back onto the ground.  
  
"Draco! Did you kill him?" asked Goyle.  
  
"No, you dip shit! I just made him learn how to talk," said Draco.  
  
"Jolly good show old bean!" said Hagrid to Draco. "Well, boys. If you jolly chaps are all done pointing your wands at me... pip-pip, tally hoh, let's kill some rabbits."  
  
Draco rolled his eyes. "Pip-pip, tally hoh? I think I've created a monster."

* * *

Back at camp, McGonagall was still passed out and Dumbledore was fast asleep.  
  
Pansy Parkinson was braiding a piece of Dumbledore's beard. She threw it down, exasperatedly. "Ugh! I CANNOT braid another piece of hair!" she cried.  
  
"I know!" said Lavendar Brown, also throwing down her piece of hair. "I found a piece of Pumpkin Pie in his beard, it must have been about 70 years old."  
  
"Actually," said Luna Lovegood, "it was probably a Seven-Headed Knoozle. They tend to live in the beards of old men."  
  
Everyone ignored Luna. "I wish Professor Trelawney was here," sighed Parvati. "She's so wise!"  
  
Pansy scoffed, and Lavender shot her an evil glare. "Well, I think Professor Trelawney is the best teacher we have at Hogwarts. What would she tell us to do if she were here?"  
  
"Oooh! I know!" said Luna. "She would tell us to take a piece of Dumbledore's beard and use it for Voodoo Magic!"  
  
"Ooooh!" said Lavender. "For the first time in your life, I think you're on to something, Luna!" And with that, she snipped off a large chunk of Dumbledore's beard and walked over to the fire.  
  
Pansy followed her. She always wanted some revenge on Dumbledore after the time he caught her making out with a picture of Draco Malfoy in a broom closet. "Let's make him do something really wicked!" she said.

* * *

Hermione pulled Professor Snape down into a ditch seconds before a Police car sped past them.  
  
"That was a close one!" she said. "We're fugitives from the law now. Isn't it romantic?"  
  
Professor Snape sank down into the ditch without saying a word.  
  
"Oh come on! You have to admit this is a little hot. We're running from authority with no one else to rely on but one another!"  
  
Professor Snape didn't speak.  
  
"Well," said Hermione, "it looks like we'll have to be hiding here all night. Just us, together... oh take me now, Severus!" she said, flinging herself upon him.  
  
He pushed her off and gave her a menacing glare.  
  
"What is wrong with you?" she said. "You probably haven't gotten any-- ever. And you reject a sultry young thing like myself? Are you gay or what?"  
  
"I'm not gay, Miss Granger," said Severus, who looked rather rigid and distant at the moment.  
  
"Oooh! I get it," she said. "You had something beautifully tragic happen in your past. Someone broke your heart and since that day, you've sealed yourself from every emotion. So, who was the lucky lady, Sevvy?"  
  
"Though we are outside of school, I insist you to call me 'Professor' or 'Sir,' is that understood?" said Snape, hotly.  
  
"That's okay. It's kind of hot to call you 'Professor' anyway," she said. "And don't go changing the subject on me. I want to know all about your sordid past. We've got all night."  
  
Professor Snape looked away. After awhile, he hesitantly spoke. "I'd prefer we didn't talk about this, Miss Granger."  
  
"Oooh! I was right!" she said. "Who was it? Common speculation is that you had the hots for Lily Potter. Lammy even thought for awhile that you were really Harry's dad, just because she's all freaky like that."  
  
Professor Snape looked like he was choking. "Me and Potter?!?!" she said angrily. "I resent such a pairing. Now, since we haven't had anything to eat, would you mind taking out the footlong?"  
  
Hermione's eyes widened. "I thought you'd never ask!" she said, reaching for his robe.  
  
"Good Lord! What are you doing?" Snape demanded. "I meant the hot dogs we just purchased. You are really a foul and perverse little child."

* * *

"Where the bloody hell is Harry?" thought Ron as he scanned the woods. "Lumos!" he said as he pointed his wand towards the lake. Ron walked up to the naked figures. "You're having an orgy, without me?" he said, taking off his robes.  
  
Fred and George turned around to see their naked little brother. "You really are the little brother," said Fred, eyeing Ron's package. 


	6. Wicked Ways

**::Note from Lams:: **Okay, once again, a super big thanks to KeithUrbanFan and She-who-must-not-be-named666. I've also got to mention Queen of the Confused and Leo-07-88, who have been dedicated reviewers. I haven't gotten to reading any of their stuff yet, but since they say nice things about me, they obviously have good taste, so I reccomend all of it! Also, a big thanks to godwallop, who not only writes some of the best reviews I've ever seen, but also writes a kickass fic. I didn't catch all the references to the Wu-Tang Clan, but that's what I get for being a tragically uncool white girl from the sticks. Check that one out too. Hugs and muffins for all of you!

* * *

"Actually," said George. "We are testing out the skinny dipping, if you remember."  
  
"Oh yeah!" said Ron, who looked rather sheepish now. "Harry? Are you out here?"  
  
"Ron!" said Harry, who ran in slow motion towards Ron with his arms extended."  
  
"Oh save it for Malfoy!" said Ron. "We've got to go gather up sticks now."  
  
Harry looked rather disappointed, but followed Ron, who was now dressed again. They walked throw the woods. Suddenly, a green light shot out at Harry, who narrowly missed it. "What was that?" said Harry.  
  
"Well I say - I am quite sorry Harry, old sport! I heard the rustling in the bushes and I thought you might have been a rabbit. Frightfully large mistake on my part. Hah hah. Goodness me!"  
  
"Who IS that?" said Harry.  
  
"Umm, I think it's Hagrid. Only, I can't understand a word he's saying," said Ron. "Jolly good -what?"  
  
"Well, we'll need to change that!" said Harry as he pulled out his wand. "Adfabiliso!"  
  
"I wuz tryin to holla at these dizzles fo' shizzle, yo! Dis is whack, biatch!" said Hagrid.  
  
"No!!!" exclaimed Harry. "I turned him into an exceptionally large and white Snoop Dog!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Snape and Hermione were settling into the ditch. They hadn't spoken a word to each other since Hermione tried to get on Snape the last time. They ate hot dog after hot dog simply because they did not want to talk to one another. Finally, they had devoured the entire back and things were very quiet and awkward.  
  
Finally, Hermione broke the ice. "Want to play a game?" she asked. "You know, to pass the time."  
  
Professor Snape usually wasn't interested in these childish endeavors, but since a game with Hermione meant he wouldn't have to make conversation, he went along with the idea.  
  
"Okay!" she said. "Let's play 20 questions! Okay... I've got something. Go ahead and ask me a question. Yes or no questions only."  
  
"Is it me?" he asked uninterestedly.  
  
"You need to be more specific," she said.  
  
"Ugh! Fine! Is it me naked, tied to a tree, and oiled all over?"  
  
"Holy cow! You are good at this game!" said Hermione.  
  
"It wasn't that difficult to guess," he said. "Okay, I've got something."  
  
"Is it a person?" she asked.  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Are they in this ditch at this exact moment?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Is it me, naked, oiled, and tied to a tree, ready to let you have your wicked way with me?"  
  
"Good Lord, no!"  
  
"Well, that's no fun, what is it?" she pouted.  
  
"It's a police officer. I suggest we make a run for it," said Professor Snape.

* * *

"Potter! Decided to come into the dark scary woods without a nightlight? I hope you don't wet your pants!" said Draco Malfoy.  
  
"Oooh! Harry peed his pants?" said Colin Creevy excitedly as he zoomed in and took a picture of Harry's crotch.  
  
"Shu' up or I'll bust a cap in your ass!"  
  
Draco looked at Hagrid, who was now wearing very low pants and was holding a bottle of Crystal. "What the hell did you do to him, Harry?" he demanded.  
  
Harry looked up at Draco, "I couldn't understand a word he was saying so..."  
  
"Nice one, Potter," said Draco, pointing his wand at Hagrid. "Adfabiliso!"  
  
"Thet's th' third time tonight! Fry mah hide! W'd yo' please stop changin' mah voice!" said Hagrid, who sounded like an angry redneck.  
  
"Umm, maybe we'd better get him back to Dumbledore," said Harry.  
  
"What? No snake jokes this chapter?" said Draco.  
  
"YO MAMA!"  
  
Ron gaped at Draco, "Ahhh! You just said 'snake!' Wait a minute, so did I! You owe us another bizarre outburst, Harry."  
  
Harry rolled his eyes reluctantly. "IF BEASTIALITY IS WRONG, THEN I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT!" 


	7. Worse Than a Clip Show

**::Note from Lams: **A big thanks to godwallop for letting me know it should be 'beastiality' instead of 'beastiology.' And a big punch in the face to my friend Aaron, who told me it was 'beastiology' in the first place. He's an idiot, but I guess I'm dumber for having listened to him. Anyway, big thanks to godwallop. Read all the stories, there are two newer ones up. I just read them today and they kick ass.

* * *

"So you want to bring Hagrid back to Dumbledore?" said Draco. "You would come up with that, wouldn't you, Potter?"  
  
"Shut up, Malfoy!" said Harry. "We can't very well go on changing Hagrid's voice all night, now can we? What other option do we have?"  
  
"Shut up, Potter!" said Malfoy. "SNAKE!"  
  
"MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE BOYS TO THE YARD!"  
  
Suddenly, Harry and Draco's argument was interrupted. "Hey, wouldn't it be funny if that chipmunk started humping that squirrel?" said Goyle.  
  
"Oooh! I could take a picture of it and give it to Harry, since he likes bestiality so well," said Colin. "Maybe that would get him to like me... sigh. He's got those dreamy green eyes you could just stare into forever."  
  
"Errr, that's great," said Goyle, who looked at Colin rather uncomfortably.  
  
"Hey! Fred and George taught me a spell that makes animals to get on each other!" said Ron, pointing his wand towards the squirrel and the chipmunk. "Bibbidy Bobbidy Boo!"  
  
The spell shot out of Ron's wand and went speeding towards the two rodents. But just then, Hagrid stepped out and took a big swig from his bottle of Cristal. The spell hit the bottle, which shattered into a million pieces, and the spell scattered every which way.  
  
"Oh no! It's coming right for me!" shouted Draco.  
  
Ron watched as his spell ricocheted off the bottle and scattered around near Draco and Harry. "Oh no! I put the spell on them!" he cried.  
  
"Wai' a miunte," said Hagrid. "What about my bottle of Cristal? Do you know how much that costs?"  
  
"Hey! Hagrid's got his voice back!" said Colin.  
  
"Yeah yeah, I got it back!" said Hagrid, rather angrily. "I guess when you broke my bottle of Cristal, I regained my senses for some strange reason. So this spell? Bibbidy Bobbidy Boo? It makes things hump? I thought it would be a little nicer than that, since it was in a Disney movie and all."  
  
"Are you kidding?" said Ron. "It's just the type of spell those perverts at Disney WOULD put into a children's movie. Remember the naked lady in the Rescuers? Or how Aladdin said 'Good teenagers take off your clothes?' Or the cover art for the Little Mermaid."  
  
"Okay, okay, you're right!" said Hagrid, exasperatedly. "But aren't we forgetting about something very important? The spell hit Draco and Harry!"  
  
Everyone turned around and looked at Draco and Harry, who were playfully slapping each other's butts.  
  
"Damn! I thought they were supposed to hump!" said Colin.  
  
"Well, the spell was intended for much smaller creatures," explained Ron. "Besides, it got weakened when it shattered," Ron's voice trailed off. "Wait a second! How come Draco's always Harry's slash love interest? We're best friends, shouldn't it be me?"  
  
Goyle put his arms around Ron. "There there," he said. "Goyle and I know exactly how you feel. The slash is ALWAYS centered around Draco and Harry. It really isn't fair."  
  
"Yuck!" said Ron, pushing Goyle's arm off of him. "Don't touch me, you pervert!"  
  
Back at the camp, Lavender, Parvati, Luna, and Pansy were working their voodoo magic on Dumbledore.  
  
"Oooh! Let's make him do the hokey-pokey!" squealed Parvati.  
  
"Nooo! Let's make him sing Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!" squealed Lavender.  
  
"How about we make him do an interprative dance based on the Tampon-Plated Horneky?" said Luna.  
  
"You guys all suck!" said Pansy. "Let's make him walk out to the lake and strip in front of George, Fred, and Goyle."  
  
"Yuck!" exclaimed Parvati. "I don't want to see Dumbledore naked. He's like a million, imagine how wrinkly he is."  
  
"We don't have to," said Pansy. "We'll hide behind the bushes and just listen for the screams when he does his striptease."  
  
So the girls trudged down to the lake, carrying a Muggle radio.  
  
"Hey, isn't that Dumbledore?" said Fred.  
  
"Looks like it to me," said George. "The water's really good for skinny dipping. Now can you tell us why you wanted us to check it?" he asked.  
  
Dumbledore pulled off his robes. "THIS is why I wanted you to check it."  
  
"Aaah! He's naked!" screamed Crabbe. "My eyes are burning! Ahhh!"  
  
Fred keeled over into George's arms. "Fred? Fred? Speak to me!" said George, slapping at his brother's cheeks.  
  
The girls could barely contain their laughter. "Hit the radio, Parvati," said Pansy, who was moving the Dumbledore voodoo doll. Pansy hit the radio and I'm Too Sexy by Right Said Fred started playing.  
  
"I'm too sexy for my hat, Too sexy for my hat what do you think about that."  
  
Dumbledore started singing along with the music and doing random pelvic thrusts.  
  
"Make it stop!" shouted Crabbe. "For the love of God, someone PLEASE make it stop!"  
  
At that moment, McGonagall stepped out by the beach. She must have gotten over her drunkeness. "ALBUS!" she screamed, averting her eyes towards the bushed. She saw the girls sitting, giggling by the radio. "GIRLS!" she said.  
  
Pansy dropped the doll and Dumbledore fell to the ground, knocking his head on the ground.  
  
"Ow! That smarts!" he said. "Where are my clothes?" he said, looking up. "Minerva! You didn't take advantage of me while drunk again, did you?"  
  
Professor McGonagall blushed. Just then the song ended, and a voice came over the radio.  
  
"Two fugitives are on the loose near Lake Tampon-Plated Horneky. They brutally attacked an attendant at a nearby Grocery Store and escaped. The suspects are considered armed and dangerous. Anyone in the area is advised to be on the lookout."  
  
"Oh noooo!!" squealed Lavender. "That's the lake WE'RE at! They could come and kill us! Oooh!"  
  
"Miss Brown, do not fret. This is a big lake, why would the criminals want to come here?" said Dumbledore.  
  
Lavender looked rather upset, "Why, for the same reason we did, of course!"  
  
"Elgible men?" said McGonagall.  
  
"That's the grossest thing I've ever heard!" said Fred, who had regained his senses. "But maybe we'd all better get back to the camp just in case the criminals come by. It'll probably be safer than being naked in the middle of a lake."  
  
"Oh fine! We'll go back!" said McGonagall. "I am... so scared. I might just need someone to, protect me," she said, glancing hopefully at the twins.  
  
"This is so gross!" said George.


	8. Hidden Broomsticks

Back in the ditch, the two fugitives took off towards the woods.  
  
"Is he after us?" asked Hermione as she ran. She was referring to the cop who had been in the ditch.  
  
"Just keep running!" said Professor Snape.  
  
They ran deeper and deeper into the woods, until they were certain nobody was following them. Hermione and Professor fell onto the soft ground, panting and sweaty.  
  
"Could things get any worse?" breathed Snape.  
  
"At least we're together," said Hermione.  
  
Professor Snape turned to her, "Every time I look at you I get a fierce desire to be lonesome."  
  
Hermione's eyes widened. She looked both furious and hurt. "You're the type of man who will end up dying in your own arms!" she said.  
  
"Was that supposed to be an insult, Miss Granger?" he sneered. "I don't exactly see men lining up the block for you."  
  
"Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my pleasure," said Hermione, her nostrils flaring. "Look at you! You're middle aged and you probably haven't ever gotten any! At least I'm young. I have an excuse."  
  
Snape remained very cool and composed. He glanced condescendingly at Hermione, who looked like she might boil over with anger. "Slit your wrists-- it will lower your blood pressure."   
  
"The next time you shave, could you stand a little closer to the razor!" she said.  
  
"You're like one of those 'idiot savants,' except without the 'savant' part," sneered Professor Snape.  
  
"Who are you calling stupid?" demanded Hermione.  
  
"I don't know, what's your name?" Snape said cooly.  
  
They stood there silently glaring at one another. "Are you as turned on as I am?" asked Snape.  
  
"More!" said Hermione.  
  
The two little lovebirds were making out, when suddenly, they heard a noise behind them.  
  
"Severus! It's the police!" said Hermione as she clutched his arm.  
  
Professor Snape slowly pulled out his wand and held it out, looking around.  
  
"Hey, don't point that stick at us!" called a voice.  
  
Two figures walked out from behind a tree. "My name is Ralph," said a tall, dark haired man. "And this is my daughter Tina," he said, motioning to his teenaged daughter. "We were just out for a midnight constitutional. Were you and your daughter out to do the same?"  
  
"He's not my..." started Hermione, but Professor Snape cut her off.  
  
"Yes, yes we were," said Snape, who gave Hermione a good natured pat on the head.  
  
"Daddy!! Daddy!!" said Tina, tugging at her father's arm.  
  
"Not now!" hissed Ralph. "So what brings you to this neck of the woods. Haha! Get it? We're in the woods!"  
  
Professor Snape looked quite unamused, but managed to refrain from any sarcastic remarks. "We were actually camping."  
  
"DAD!!" shouted the girl.  
  
"NOT NOW!" said Ralph, slapping his daughter. He turned to Hermione and Snape, "Sorry about that. Tina's quite the rude child. Don't worry, I'll beat her good when we get home."  
  
"But DAD!!! This man was kissing his daughter with his mouth open!" squealed Tina.  
  
Ralph pulled a club out of his jacket and started tapping it against his hand menacingly. "That's sick!" he said. "You shouldn't kiss your daughter like that. I will smash your head open like a melon! And yours too, Tina. I'm just a violent bastard like that."  
  
Ralph charged at Professor Snape and swung his club right at his head.  
  
"Nooo!!" shouted Hermione. "Stupefy!"  
  
Sparks shot out of her wand and hit the man, who froze. Tina tried to run, but Hermione hit he with the spell too.  
  
"I've got a plan," said Hermione. "These people are about the same age and build as us, let's swap clothes with them! That way we can walk back to the camp without the policemen stopping us!"  
  
Snape didn't look overly enthused about putting on Ralph's tacky Hawaiian shirt, grey sweatpants, and orange hunter's hat. But he reached for Ralph's rigid body and undressed him. It was rather disgusting to see Ralph standing around in his tighty whities.  
  
"You got him undressed?" said Hermione, looking at Ralph's body. "Oh yuck! That's going to replace the bad grades in my nightmares! Anyway, put on his clothes now."  
  
Professor Snape started undressing. He glanced over at Hermione, who was doing the same, but quickly turned back around before he saw anything more than her back. He needed to remember his place. He went back to slowly undressing himself.  
  
"Wooo! You've got a tight ass, Professor Snape!" shouted Hermione, who had already dressed.  
  
Snape, who was only in his underwear, quickly put on the pants. Now he remembered why he didn't like her. Oh yuck! And he kissed her. He was going to need a lot of therapy. He threw on the rest of his clothes.

"If we're going to go, I suggest we leave sooner rather than later," Snape said gruffly. "It would not be a good thing for either of us to be caught by these frozen bodies."

"Oh, I've got a plan," said Hermione. "Pick up Ralph and let's get a move on!"

* * *

Back in the woods, Draco and Harry were having their own fun.  
  
"Kiss me, Harry Beary!" said Draco.  
  
"Okay, Drakey Wakey!" said Harry.  
  
"Yuck!" said Goyle as held Draco back from Harry's advances. "This isn't slash, this is just disgusting!"  
  
Ron held onto Harry to keep him from kissing Draco. "Tell me about it!" Ron said to Goyle, then he turned back to Harry. "No, Harry, believe me, you don't want to kiss Draco!"  
  
But through the power of love, or at least brute strength, Harry wiggled free and embraced Draco.  
  
"Oh Draco! Let's run away together!" he cried.  
  
"Fine, but where to?" said Draco.  
  
"Anywhere, anywhere but here. Somewhere were we can be free to love and away from persecution!"  
  
"Hmm," said Draco. "How about San Francisco, there's no gayer city in the United States!"  
  
"Yay! I love you Draco, let's go!" said Harry.  
  
And with that, the two of them grabbed their broomsticks (which were coincidently hidden behind a nearby tree) and flew off into the night sky.  
  
"Oh no!" said Ron as he sunk down to the ground. "This is all my fault! They're going to live an alternate lifestyle just because of my spell, which went so horribly awry!"  
  
"It isn't all your fault," said Goyle.  
  
"Thanks for trying to cheer me up, Goyle," said Ron, "but you don't need to lie."  
  
"I'm not lying," said Goyle. "Look up into that tree if you don't believe me."  
  
Ron looked up and saw a chipmunk doing naughty things with a squirrel. "So this means..."  
  
"...that the spell never hit Harry and Draco," finished Goyle. "Harry and Draco are gay of their own accord. It wasn't any spell. Being gay isn't a choice, it's just a part of who you are."  
  
"Damn! You're like the gay version of Dr. Phil!" said Ron.  
  
"Don't I know it!" said Goyle. "I'm thinking of starting a weight loss program. I'm going to call it Goy-la-robics."  
  
"You know, Goyle?" said Ron as he and Goyle walked off into the night. "I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship."  
  
"Hey!!! Wait for me!" squealed Colin Creevy.


	9. Don't Save a Prayer for ME Now

**::Note from Lams:: **Thank you so much all of you who review! You are all my personal heros. A lot of times when I couldn't come up with anything to write, I'd go back and read them and come up with stuff. So thank you so much for helping with ideas and stuff. Anyhow, I've moved this back down to PG-13 because it isn't _that _bad. There's never any real sex, just jokes about it. And if Austen Powers can get away with being PG-13, then my story should too. Plus, people don't read them as much at R. I noticed that during the time I had it at R. So on to the story.

* * *

Back at camp, Dumbledore settled into his tent. He laughed. All the others were in cold, hard Muggle tents. Meanwhile, he was lounging on the gigantic waterbed that covered the entire floor of his and warm ornately decorated tent.  
  
He was just getting all warm and cozy when McGonagall walked in.  
  
"This isn't what it looks like, Minerva," he said, quickly trying to take down the VanGogh paintings.  
  
"Shut it, Albus," she said. "I've known you for years. Do you really think I thought you were camping in a Muggle tent? After all, with that inflamed rectum of yours..."  
  
"That's enough, Minerva," shot Dumbledore as his cheeks grew red and embarrassed.  
  
"Anyway," continued McGonagall, "the girls tent is freezing, and I was wondering if I could sleep in here with you."  
  
"No way! This is MY tent!" said Dumbledore. "And besides, I remember all too well the last time you tried to get into bed with me, you hussy. Euuugh! I'm still seeing a shrink over that little episode."  
  
"Oh come come, Dumbledore! I have no hidden intensions, I'm just cold. Now let me in bed," said McGonagall, pulling back the silk sheets.  
  
Dumbledore sat upright and pouted. "It's not fair! This is MY bed. You probably will pee in it or something."  
  
Just then, four girls came crawling into the tent.  
  
"THIS ISN'T WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!" exclaimed McGonagall and Dumbledore in unison.  
  
"Come on! Do you REALLY think we'd be thinking that?" said Pansy. "Your idea of action is watching the Lawrence Welk show while popping some Vioxx."  
  
"Besides," added Lavender, "we followed McGonagall in when she left. Our tent is freezing."  
  
"Oh fine! Get in!" said Dumbledore. "I hope you all have diapers on. There will be no peeing in my bed. If not, Minerva always carries some extra Depends with her."  
  
It was McGonagall's turn to blush this time.  
  
At that moment, Crabbe and the Weasley twins rushed into the tent. Nobody bothered to shout "this isn't what it looks like," this time.  
  
"Whoa! Dumbledore, you stud!" said George.  
  
"I've only had four girls in my bed at one time," said Fred. "You totally beat me."  
  
"The only reason you had four girls in your bed was because they were curling your hair, Fred," said George.  
  
"Is it so wrong for me to want luscious, flowing locks of hair?" said Fred.  
  
"Fine fine!" said Dumbledore, who was looking more and more angry. "Get in and shut up!"  
  
"Hey, aren't those Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle pajamas, Dumbly old boy?" asked George.  
  
Dumbledore's eyes turned scarlet and his voice echoed in a truly demonic fashion, "GET IN NOW!"  
  
"Okay, okay," sighed George.  
  
After a couple of minutes, everyone was nearly asleep, except for McGonagall, who was actually asleep and was saying some rather dirty things about Sean Connery.  
  
Suddenly, Crabbe broke the silence. "Hey, did you smell that?" he asked.  
  
"Yes, and as long as I'm in my tent I'll do want," snapped Dumbledore as a groggy-looking McGonagall scooted further away from him.  
  
"Err, that wasn't really what I meant," said Crabbe. "I mean coming from outside. It smells like--"  
  
"--love?" finished Parvati.  
  
"No, you idiot!" said Crabbe. "It smells like a pastrami sandwich."  
  
"Funny," said Fred. "I hid a pastrami sandwich in Hagrid's beard five years ago. I don't think the poor chap's ever realized it was in there."  
  
Sure enough, Hagrid pulled open the tent as Colin, Goyle, and Ron followed.  
  
"Where are Harry and Draco?" demanded Dumbledore.  
  
"Err," said Hagrid, "let's just say they went somewhere over the rainbow."  
  
"Ooooh! That's so romantic!" said Crabbe. "Oh Goyle! Can we go too?"  
  
Goyle put his arm around Ron's shoulder. "From now on it's RON and Goyle."  
  
Crabbe's eyes watered, and for the second time that night, he let out an ear-splitting scream. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!"

* * *

"Did you hear that?" asked Snape as he carried Ralph's frozen body out of the woods.  
  
Hermione, who was carrying Tina, turned to him, "I can't hear anything, only the sound of my..."  
  
"Ugh! I'd advise you to go no further with that repulsive sentence, Miss Granger," said Snape.  
  
"Ahem, if you let me finish," said Hermione. "I was going to say I can only hear the sound of my own stomach growling. Those hot dogs were not filling at all. Besides, I'm completely over you."  
  
Snape froze still. True he didn't really like her, but still. "Over me?" he choked.  
  
"That's right," she said. "something happened in the woods that opened my eyes and made me move on."  
  
_"Dear Lord! I'm a bad kisser!"_ thought Snape. _"I knew I should have made out with my pillow more in middle school!"  
_  
"I like Ralph now," said Hermione.  
  
Snape nearly choked. "Ralph? You mean the abusive, redneck with very tacky clothes that I'm carrying on my back at this very instant Ralph?" True, it was insulting that he Hermione abandoned her admiration of him for that lousy crumbum, but at least it wasn't because he was a bad kisser.  
  
Hermione nodded.  
  
"So you think he's better than me?" said Snape.  
  
Hermione nodded again.  
  
"If I may quote Mr. Weasley for a moment, what the bloody hell?"  
  
"Well," said Hermione. "He's got the same dark charm you do, only he's kinkier and more experienced."  
  
"More experienced?" said Snape.  
  
"Well, he does have a kid after all. How do you think he got that? Do we need to have a talk, Sevvy?" she said mockingly.  
  
"There are a lot of things you don't know about me, Miss Granger," he said as he got to the side of the road. He put sank back down into the familiar ditch and placed Ralph's frozen body beside him, which was actually very eerie.  
  
Hermione said in the ditch as well. "What things?"  
  
Snape would have never revealed such a dirty secret under any other circumstances, but Granger's taunts of him not getting any were really getting to him. "I had another occupation before I became a teacher at Hogwarts."  
  
"What? A Death Eater? Because I so already knew that!" scoffed Hermione.  
  
"If you would please let me finish, Miss Granger," snapped Snape angrily. "Anyway, I was a surrogate father."  
  
"A surrogate father?" said Hermione. "I know what a surrogate mother is, but a father? What the hell is that?"  
  
"When couples couldn't have children, usually lesbian couples, I would impregnate them."  
  
"Oh, so you were a sperm donor?" said Hermione.  
  
"No no! You couldn't be more wrong," said Snape hotly. "Don't misconstrue my words, Miss Granger. I slept with the lesbians until they got pregnant."  
  
"Umm, wouldn't it have been easier to have been a sperm donor?" asked Hermione.  
  
Snape looked at her sheepishly. "It was the 80's. Back then, we wore leg warmers and bizarre clothing. We were severely lacking on coherent thoughts. Plus, they drained blood out of their ill. Do you really think with medical technology like that, they could come up with something as complicated as in-vitro fertilization? I do miss the eyeliner and new wave music though."  
  
Hermione looked at him perplexed. "They didn't bleed people in the 80's!" she said.  
  
"Maybe where you come from," spat Snape. "But I lived in the United States at the time."  
  
"Oh, why didn't you say so?" said Hermione. "Those Yanks are probably still putting leeches on anyone who's sick in attempts to cure them!"  
  
"The Cure?" said Snape. "Now there was a good band. I used to look somewhat like Robert Smith."  
  
"Really?" said Hermione. "I really liked Lovesong."  
  
"Lovesong? You're such a poser!" scoffed Snape. "Only posers pick that as their favorite Cure song."  
  
"Well sor-ry!" said Hermione. "That isn't really my generation anyway. So what's your favorite Backstreet Boys song?"  
  
"Psh! The Backstreet Boys?" said Snape sneeringly. "I need you tonight."  
  
"What?" said Hermione. "You need me?"  
  
"No, you ridiculous little girl! That's my favorite Backstreet Boys song."  
  
"I thought you said... oh well. My favorite's All I Have to Give."  
  
"Do you have any idea grammatically incorrect that song is?" said Snape.  
  
"You know what else is?" said Hermione. "I Don't Wanna Wait by Paula Cole. _'Say a little prayer for I_,' what the hell is that?"  
  
"Tell me about it!" said Snape. "Duran Duran got it right in Save a Prayer, and that was during the 80's!"  
  
"Hmm, Save a Prayer is a good Duran Duran song, but Come Undone is by far my favorite."  
  
"Mine too!" said Snape.  
  
They looked adoringly into each others' eyes for a minute, but they quickly snapped out of it.  
  
"Let's just get these bodies onto the road, okay?" said Hermione. 


	10. Show Me How You Do That Trick

Professor Snape and Hermione pulled Ralph and Tina to the side of the road. "What are we doing this for?" asked Professor Snape.  
  
"It's all apart of my deviant plan," said Hermione. "When the cops come by, they'll see these schmucks and arrest them, thinking they're us. And we'll get off scott free! Now let's get back to camp. Last one there's a rotton egg!"  
  
Hermione and Snape ran back to the camp as fast as they could. Since neither of them were very athletic, it took them two hours to run the three miles back to camp. Hermione opened the door to her tent. She was out of breath and wanted to get to sleep. "I hope McGonagall doesn't give me any trouble," she thought. She looked inside the empty tent. Where was everyone? She ran back out by the fire.  
  
Professor Snape came running over. "Where is everyone? My entire group of students is missing!"  
  
"I can't find any of the girls either," she hesitated a moment. "Oh God! I knew this would happen!" she cried, and then she actually started crying.  
  
"What the deuce are you talking about?" asked Snape in a very feeble attempt to console her. He obviously wasn't that reassuring.  
  
"Don't you see?" she said. "The got eaten by--"  
  
"THE GRIM!" shouted Trelaweny.  
  
Snape and Hermione looked up. "Umm, Trelawney, I don't think you were supposed to be in this story," said Hermione.  
  
"I'm not?" she said, sounding rather confused. "Hmm, well that's too bad. Actually, I'm here on a romantic weekend getaway."  
  
"Romantic weekend getaway?" spat Snape.  
  
"Hey hoh!" shouted a male's voice. He put his arm around Trelawney and waved at Snape.  
  
Snape looked over at Voldemort, "Voldy! You dog!"  
  
"Dog? You mean -- THE GRIM? He's here? We're all going to DIE!" said Trelawney as she fell dramatically to the ground.  
  
"Oh, my dear Sybil!" said Voldemort. "Long time no see, Severus. How come I didn't get a Christmas card from you this year?"  
  
"Oh, well I figured that since I wasn't a Death Eater anymore and all, well, that would put a bit of a damper on things," explained Snape.  
  
"That cuts me deep, Sevvy!" said Voldemort. "Anyway, I expect a damned good Arbor Day present."  
  
"How about a Peach Tree?" said Snape.  
  
"Oh lovely! It would look lovely next to the swing in my backyard."  
  
"The one next to the waterfall? That'd be beautiful!" said Snape.  
  
"Bingo!" said Voldemort. "Well, I've got to get down to business. Sybil won't be young and sexy forever, come on Gorgeous, let's get back to the camp. See you, Severus!"  
  
"Bye bye now!" said Snape.  
  
"Bye bye now?" said Hermione questioningly. "What was that all about?"  
  
"Ah! Never mind," said Snape. "Just some random insanity to keep the readers on their toes. So back to what you were saying before."  
  
"Oh that!" said Hermione as she started crying again. "They must have been eaten by bears!"  
  
"Bears?" said Snape. "Muggle creatures, I guess. I think I have a plan. Follow me, it would be safer if we stayed in one tent."  
  
Hermione followed Snape back to his tent. Snape waved his wand, and suddenly the inside of the tent turned into a beautiful room with a roaring fire, a bearskin rug, and dimly-lit candles. A CD player was playing some Luther Vandross and rose petals were spread over a plush bed with red satin sheets.  
  
"Umm, it's a very pretty room," said Hermione. "But I'm going to try and get some sleep now so I can forget all about those bears."  
  
"Whoa!" said Snape. "Not like that!" He waved his wand and suddenly she was wearing pajamas that probably came out of Christina Aguilera's dresser. She sighed and hopped into bed.  
  
Professor Snape got into the bed too and dimmed the lights even more. After awhile of just lying there, he turned to Hermione. "So, if you really liked Ralph, why did you leave him in the middle of the road? Sure he was a bastard, but he wasn't really guilty of anything."  
  
Hermione turned back to him. "Well, honestly, I never really liked Ralph. I just wanted to make you jealous."  
  
Snape felt a sudden swell of pride, but also a sudden swell of anger. "You're such a quintessential girl. You could just be honest with things instead of making everything so contorted."  
  
"I'm sorry," she said, picking up a bottle of essential oils. "But just out of curiosity, how is any of this supposed to repel bears?"  
  
"It's not," said Professor Snape. "I just wanted to be comfortable when I died."  
  
"Well, that's rather disconcerting, but at least you won't have to die a virgin," said Hermione.  
  
Snape didn't say anything.  
  
"Oh dammit, Snape! I made up the bears so I could act all afraid in the hopes you would console me and have your wicked way with me! This sex room was never part of the plan, but let me tell you, it's a welcome addition. Now are we going to get on with it or not?"  
  
Snape looked at her, wide-eyed. "Sex room?"  
  
"Oh, like I couldn't tell," said Hermione. "Seriously, the CD's playing "Love to Love You Baby, the extended sex mix for crying out loud!"  
  
"I happen to like Miss Donna Summer," Snape said shortly. "Now get to bed."  
  
Just then, a large figure's shadow moved across the wall of the tent.  
  
"Wha... what was that?" said Hermione.  
  
Snape rolled over sleepily, "It was probably a real bear. And it serves you right. That's the bad man coming to get you for being a deviant bitch. And I hope that bear eats you."  
  
Hermione was really afraid now. She grabbed onto Snape's arm. "Oh!! Please don't let him eat me, I'm so afraid."  
  
They sat silently looking at each other for a minute, but they were interrupted when the song on the CD player changed.  
  
"Come Undone," said Hermione. "It's my favorite..."  
  
"... Duran Duran song," finished Snape as he pressed his finger against her lips. "It's mine too."  
  
_The scene fades out from Snape and Hermione and suddenly it becomes the next morning. Dumbledore and the rest are in Dumbledore's tent._  
  
"Oh icky!" said Parvati. "Someone farted in their sleep, A LOT."  
  
Everyone looked towards Dumbledore, who put his finger to his lip and giggled in a very girly manner.  
  
McGonagall, who was finally acting as she normally did, opened the tent and walked to the fire. "I suppose we had better put some breakfast on," she said.  
  
"Yummy yummy!" said Dumbledore. "I could really go for some hot dogs right now."  
  
"Hot dogs?" said McGonagall. "Have any of you seen Miss Granger of Professor Snape?"  
  
Everybody shook their heads no.  
  
"This is terrible news!" said McGonagall. "We must search for them at once!"  
  
"Aww! But what about my breaky?" whined Dumbledore. He looked around at the other students and pointed at Crabbe. "Hey, you're a plump one, want to get in my belly?"  
  
Crabbe backed away slowly.  
  
"Oh no you don't, you sweet little morsel!" said Dumbledore, who walked closer to Crabbe, all the while wielding a gigantic fork. "Come to papa!"  
  
Crabbe kept backing up and accidentally tripped over a tent. He went flying backwards and so did the tent.  
  
"Good Lord!" exclaimed McGonagall. "What in the world is going on in there?"  
  
Hermione shot up out of bed and saw the other students gaping at her. Snape slowly rose, rubbing his eyes, and upon realizing what was going on, he hastily covered Hermione with some blankets.  
  
Ron looked very flushed and puked all over Pansy, who turned and puked all over Lavender, who puked on Parvati, who puked on Hagrid, who puked on Goyle, who puked on McGonagall, who puked on Luna, who puked on Dumbledore, who puked on Crabbe, who puked on the Grim, who ate it all.  
  
Hermione and Snape just stood there with their mouths wide open, trying to find an explanation for what they were doing like that, but luckily for them, Harry's owl, Hedwig, swooped down at that very moment.  
  
"Hey you all!" said Ron. "Harry and Draco have invited us to their wedding in San Francisco. It's today! They say we can spend the rest of the week at the Embassy Suites!"  
  
"Anyone else up for getting out of this hellhole?" said Dumbledore.  
  
Everybody's hand shot up.  
  
"Great! We'll leave right away."

* * *

**::Note from Lams::** Okay everybody. Either the next entry or the one after that will be the last in this story, so this is where your reviews really count. If you have any suggestions, say them now. Since the whole tent scene with Hermione and Snape wasn't 100% clear, I would like to know if you think they should have hooked up while they were in there, or if it would be better if I made it so they didn't actually do anything. Oh and then choose whether or not I should hook them up as a couple or not too. I honestly can't decide where I'm going with this, so any ideas would be very appreciated. Thank you all again so much for reading and reviewing this!

Oh! And Katt7 - I'm not sure that part in Aladdin ever _actually_ happened. It was just a rumor that went around when I was a kid. Supposedly, it's somwhere around the scene where Prince Ali goes up to Jasmine's balcony, or maybe that was another one of those crazy moments. Yeah, I remember the star thing in the Lion King too. Those wily Disney folk! Creating the next batch of the nation's porn stars!


	11. Fabulous!

**

* * *

::Note from Lams::** Sorry about the delay on this one guys. I haven't really felt the inclination to write lately. This chapter isn't my best, but oh well. What it lacks in content, it more than makes up for in length. So make sure you're sitting on a comfortable chair, this will take longer than most of the other chapters. Once again, a HUGE thanks to my reviewers! If I knew any of you in real life, I would so invite you to my birthday party. Haha, well brace yourself for this super-long chappie!

* * *

"Okay!" said Dumbledore. "Let's go!" He set up a portkey and everyone we immediately transported to San Francisco in the middle of a ornately decorated building.  
  
"Helloooo darlings!" said Draco as he rushed over to kiss everyone on the cheek. When he got to Snape, Severus pushed him away. He didn't really like the idea of getting kissed.  
  
"Mr. Malfoy, may I ask why you are dressed like that? Is this some kind of theme wedding?" he said.  
  
"Why, whatever do you mean? Hehehehehe!" said Draco as he twirled and giggled. Then he started tapping his ruby slippers. "There's no place like home, there's no palace like home! Tee hee!"  
  
Dumbledore slapped Draco across the face, "Shu' da hell up, bitch! Err, I mean okay, Dorothy. Try to pull yourself together."  
  
"I can't help it! I'm so giddy! I'm about to become Mrs. Harry Potter, or Mr. Harry Potter, or whatever gay people get called after they get married," said Draco.  
  
"I believe the correct term is 'fairy,'" said Ron.  
  
Draco stuck out his tongue. "Shut up, Weasel. You're just jealous because Harry likes me and not you!"  
  
Just then, Harry walked out, dressed as the Cowardly Lion. "Drakey-wakey! We'll miss our own wedding!"  
  
"Oh fine!" As he left, Draco turned to the others and said, "Grrrowl! That kitten's got claws! Purrr purrr!"  
  
Everyone walked into the room where Draco and Harry were getting married. "Wow!" said Ron. "It looks just like the Wizard of Oz in here! They've even got midgets hanging themselves in the background and everything!"  
  
"Let's just sit down, okay?" said Pansy, who was acting rather crabby since she realized Draco was gay.  
  
"Oh my!" said McGonagall. "Do we sit on the bride's side, or the groom's?"  
  
"I take it Draco's the bride," said Lavender.  
  
"Ooooh oooh!!! I want to sit on the groom's side then!" said Dumbledore.  
  
"I don't care, as long as I get to sit by you!" said Hermione to Snape, who quickly stepped away from her.  
  
"No no!" said McGonagall. "Whichever side we sit on, the other will get upset."  
  
"Hey, I've got a plan that can settle this whole dilemma!" said a voice.  
  
"VOLDY!!!" exclaimed Dumbledore as he gave Voldemort a big hug. "I didn't know you were invited!"  
  
"But of course, Dumbly my good fellow!" he said with a wink. "Luche is a Death Eater, ya know. I go way back with the Malfoys. Anywho-doodles. I can avert this entire 'which side do you sit on?' nightmare. I know a very powerful spell, but in order for it to work, we'll need to sacrifice someone to the Dark Lord. Oh hey, that's me, what do you know? So, who'll it be?"  
  
"Let's sacrafice Creepy, errr, I mean Creevy!" said Dumbledore. "That little rodent deserves it!"  
  
"Oooh no! Golly gee, you don't me, Mr. Dumbledore, sir, do ya?" said Colin. "Hey, hey guys! What are you looking at me like that for? No! No! Ahhh! Put me down! Nooooooo!!! NOOOOOOO!!!!" --- _Dies_  
  
"Hooray!" said everyone else.  
  
"Okay, we've made our human sacrifice. So Voldy, what's this powerful spell you've got?" inquired Dumbledore.  
  
"Umm, ummm, hold on. Graham Cracker-o! No, no, that's not it. Umm, Justin Timberlakium? No, well, I guess I forgot it," said Voldemort.  
  
"Aw, well that's okay," said Dumbledore. "Thanks for trying!"  
  
"No prob, Dumbles! Actually, thanks to you, I'll be able to take over the world. That human sacrifice really boosted my strength." said Voldemort as he took a seat next to Lucius Malfoy, who was bawling like a baby. "Oooooh!!! My poor baby boy! Oh!! Hold me, oh gracious Dark Lord!"  
  
Voldemort put his arms around Lucius and patted his back. "Ahem!" said Narcissa. "Wouldn't you rather have me hold you?" she asked.  
  
Lucius held his hands up, shunning his wife, "Oh no you don't, you vile woman!"  
  
"Well, I guess that explains a lot about Draco," said Ron.  
  
"Oh no!" said Hermione. "The wedding's starting, and we're standing right in the middle of the aisle!"  
  
Draco started walking down the aisle in his Dorothy dress. The Grim, who was dressed as Toto, was the flower girl. What can I say? It's a very powerful death omen. Suddenly, Draco saw the group of students standing in his path. "What are you doing? You're ruining my wedding day!" he hissed.  
  
"Where do we sit?" mouthed Hagrid.  
  
"Didn't you see the sign?" said Draco. Everyone looked up and sure enough, a gigantic neon sign was hanging from the ceiling that said "Section reserved for staff and students from Hogwarts" with a big arrow pointing to some seats.  
  
"Well, I feel like an idiot now," said Dumbledore as he took his seat. The ceremony was already underway. Some guy dressed as the Tin Man started the ceremony underneath a gigantic sign in the shape of a rainbow that read, "Somewhere over the rainbow."  
  
"Ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to join Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy in matrimony."  
  
"Hey," said Hermione. "Isn't that Elton John in the Tin Man's costume?"  
  
"Remember that time we saw Elton John together, Goyle?" said Crabbe. " I remember you asking me, 'Crabbe, can you feel the love tonight?'"  
  
Parvati butted in on the conversation. "It seems to me, like your relationship, was like a candle in the wind..."  
  
"NO MORE CANDLE IN THE WIND!" shouted Goyle. The ceremony stopped and Harry and Draco stared at him. "What was that again?" said Elton John. "You don't want anymore Candle in the Wind? I'll make a note of it." Goyle looked flushed. "Sorry about that outburst, do carry on with the ceremony. But I was serious about Candle in the Wind, gotta stop that. And by the way, Crabbe, give it up. I'm with Ron now!"  
  
Blah, blah, blah. The ceremony kept going in the same boring fashion most weddings go. Finally, Draco and Harry were pronounced, umm, man and husband. After they kissed, they ran out to their broomsticks (which were decorated by the Teletubbies, the gayest creatures of all.)  
  
"Toodles, everyone!" said Draco, waving goodbye. "See you at the reception." He turned to his husband, "Oh Harry! I think we're over the rainbow."

* * *

A couple hours later, everyone was assembled at a gay nightclub in the heart of the town. Draco and Harry were there to greet everyone at the door.  
  
"It was a beautiful wedding, Harry," said Parvati. "But how in the world did you the cast from Queer Eye For the Straight Guy as your Groomsmen?" Lavender, Pansy, and Luna nodded, probably because they were curious if they could meet that sexy Kyan.  
  
"I had to polish a few wands to get it," said Harry. "But I think it was worth it."  
  
"Ewww!" said Lavender. "I totally understand innuendo and I like so totally know what 'polishing the wand' is!"  
  
"You're such a pervert, Lavender!" said Harry. "I worked in a wand polishing shop downtown to make a few bucks, that's all. Get your mind out of the gutter!"   
  
Hermione looked around rather hurriedly. "Hi Draco, hi Harry!" she said incredibly fast. "Lovely wedding, here's your present, bye bye now!" Draco and Harry looked rather puzzled. "Hello to you too, Hermione," said Harry.  
  
Hermione turned to Snape. "Come on! Let's go! I've got a present for you too, a dirty little present," she said with a wink.  
  
Snape looked rather unenthusiastic, but managed to give a short smile to the newlyweds as Hermione lead him away.  
  
"What was that all about?" said Draco. But at that moment, Dumbledore, Hagrid, and McGonagall came up.  
  
"Hoho! Jolly good wedding!" said Dumbledore. "I've never had such a gay time in all my life! The music was so gay, and all the people, and there was just a gay aura about it all. Even though your union is a little unconventional. What's the word for two boys who are romantically involved together? I think it's jag, or maybe yag, it might be a soft j."  
  
"Umm, Dumbledore, I think you mean gay," said Harry, but Dumbledore wasn't paying any attention. "Would I like to dance, you say? Would I ever! Come on! McGonagall, Hagrid -- LET'S BOOGIE!" and with a dramatic disco move, Dumbledore was dressed like John Travolta and was ready to dance. He left Harry and Draco and went to the floor.  
  
"Hey Draco!" said Goyle, his arm wrapped around Ron.  
  
"Look at this, Harry!" said Draco excitedly. "I totally set these two up, and now they're in as much love as we are! I'm such a great matchmaker."  
  
"Umm, you didn't set us up," said Ron.  
  
"Yep yep! Great matchmaker," continued Draco, not paying any attention to what Ron was saying. Harry had just seen Crabbe sulking by himself near the entrance. "Hey Goyle!" Harry said. "I always thought there was something going on with you and Crabbe? What happened?"  
  
"We're not together anymore," said Goyle. "From here on out, it's Weasley and Goyle!"  
  
"And you're just going to throw away all those years of companionship, honey?" said Draco.  
  
"What other choice do I have," said Goyle.  
  
"Hasn't anyone ever told you?" said Draco sympathetically. "You can have more than one boyfriend, well, if you live in Utah at least."  
  
"Really?" said Goyle, his eyes burning with excitement. "Hey Crabby!" he called. "Want to be me and Ron's other boyfriend?"  
  
"Maybe if you had asked 5 minutes ago," said Goyle. "But I'm dating Elton John now!" He grabbed Elton's hand. "Come on Elty, let's dance, sugar!"  
  
Fred and George were the last to come congratulate Harry and Draco.  
  
"Are you gay too?" asked Draco. "Just curious, most of the kids in this fic have turned out gay you know."  
  
"Nope, we like the ladies," said George.  
  
"Although you do have a point about all the kids being gay. Well, except the girls and Creevy, but we all know what happened to him..." said Fred, his voice trailing off.  
  
"Err, this is getting creepy," said George. "Fred and I are going to take off to where there are more straight guys. We're not homophobes or anything, we just don't want to be the next to be offered as human sacrifices, I hope you understand."  
  
"Nope, no problem!" said Harry. "See you guys later!"  
  
As Fred and George left, Draco turned to Harry. "Great! Now where are we going to get human sacrifices to offer to the sex god?"

* * *

Meanwhile, Hermione had lead Severus to a booth in the back of the club. "Oh Sevvy! Let's have our wedding party here too!" said Hermione.  
  
Maybe it was all the men in tight pants that were gyrating all around him, but Snape didn't have the same enthusiasm Hermione did. "Hermione, we're not getting married," he said briskly.  
  
"But, but... but what about last night?" blubbered Hermione. "Didn't that mean anything to you?" Snape just sad there without saying a word. Hermione, in a fury, bolted upright and slammed her fist upon the table. "I hate you! I hate you Severus Snape! And if I ever see you again, it will be too soon!" And with that, she stormed off.  
  
Goyle slid into the seat Hermione had just vacated. "Hey Professor! Having trouble with the ladies I see? Well, I was just given some great advice about polygamy so I think I can help."  
  
"What the deuce are you talking about, Goyle?" said Snape.  
  
"Haha, you've got me there. I have no idea what I'm talking about. But I can buy you a few drinks to help your night go better. Now, I don't want my kindness and generosity to effect my grade in potions," said Goyle.  
  
"Don't worry, it won't," said Snape flatly. Goyle looked slightly disappointed (he could use all the help in Potions he could get). "Although," continued Snape, "if you're buying, I will take a Bloody Mary."  
  
And 5 Bloody Mary's later...  
"So get this!" said Snape. "She thought I wanted to MARRY her! Can you believe it? Hey, hey, you know what's a funny word? Spork! Haha, spork! What is the verb associated with a spork anyway? With a knife, you cut. What the hell do you do with a spork? Do you just say 'I'm going to spork me some meat' or what?"  
  
"Umm, lovely," said Goyle. "So, errr, if you don't mind me asking, what went on in that tent last night with Granger anyway?"  
  
"I'm usually a gentleman, and I wouldn't go talking about this if I wasn't completely wasted, you know," said Snape. "But to tell you the truth, well, she and I..."  
  
"Yes, yes, she and you what?" said Goyle, who was salivating over this tender morsel of gossip.  
  
"We, we had.... a conversation."  
  
"A what?" said Goyle, looking rather disappointed.  
  
"Did I stutter?" spat Snape. "Umm, sorry about that. Yeah, we talked. It was weird. She talked about her childhood and how she used to go to petting zoos, and I talked about my passionate love for pineapple juice."  
  
"And she thought you were getting married based on THAT?" said Goyle.  
  
"I guess, that or I might or proposed. I'm not really sure anymore. Where's my drink?" said Snape.  
  
"No!" said Goyle. "No more drinking until you remember what happened!" Snape looked rather upset at this, but sighed heavily and started thinking. "Hmm, let me see, wait, wait. No, I never proposed to her, but we did eat some Ritz crackers."

* * *

As Snape was getting completely trashed, Hermione was sulking in the bathroom.  
  
"Hermione, are you in here?" asked Lavender.  
  
"Noooo, Hermione's not in here, this is... umm her mother!" called Hermione and a fakey voice.  
  
"We're not idiots!" said Pansy. "Plus, I'd recognize your shoes anywhere. My gosh they're ugly!"  
  
Hermione walked out of the stall, her eyes red and puffy.  
  
"Hey, I know what you need!" said Luna energetically. "Some brownies!"  
  
"No thanks, Luna," said Hermione.  
  
"No, trust me, you'll like these brownies," said Luna. "Family recipe. They're why all of us Lovegoods are so smart!" And with that, she forced a brownie down Hermione's mouth.  
  
"Nooo!" said Hermione. "Wait, mmmm, hey! These are actually pretty good, give me another!"  
  
After 5 of Luna's brownies...  
"Hey, hey, you know what's a funny word?" said Hermione. "Spork! Haha, spork! What is the verb associated with a spork anyway? With a knife, you cut. What the hell do you do with a spork? Do you just say 'I'm going to spork me some meat' or what?"  
  
"I so do not have love for her!" said Luna.

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen!" said Harry. "Me and Draco would like to present a special performer for you this evening! Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for R Kelly!"

R Kelly walked out onto the stage. "Wait a minute, I thought I was supposed to be playing a major gig, not performing for a bunch of gay, white, underage.... underage? Haha, I mean, R Kelly is ready to get this party started."  
  
By the time Bump N Grind came on, everyone in the building was too hopped up on something to know who they were bumping, much less grinding. The next morning, everyone woke up with more than just a headache.

* * *

**::Ending Note::** Just so you know, next chapter will be my last. Holy cow, this was long! Anyhow, pretty please review or I'll hunt you down and steal all your potatoes! 


	12. Save it Till the Morning After

**::Note from Lams::** Okay, this is going much slower than I had intended. Actually, I think there will be two more chapters after this and then I'll be done. I need to finish off the "Morning After" segment, and then I'm thinking of doing a "Where are they now?" kind of thing, just to close all the many holes in the plotline. Though there really isn't much of a plot anyway. Anyway, sorry this is longer than I had promised. I'm sure you were all excited for this to end, haha! Well anyway, you've only got 2 chappies left, not too terribly bad I suppose. Thank you all of you who read and review! You all win my hero of the day award. So here goes, the third to last chapter of this crazy story.

* * *

The next morning, Harry and Draco woke up in their hotel room. "Good morning, darling!" said Harry to Draco.  
  
"Good morning!" replied Draco. "Oh! My head is killing me!"  
  
"It's called a hangover," said Harry. "And I think everyone probably has one after last night, let's head down the continental breakfast. I can't wait to get an old bagel, some prepackaged cereal, and orange juice out of a machine!"

* * *

Meanwhile, in a nearby room, Severus Snape slowly got up from his bed and placed his hands on his head. "Maybe it's the hangover talking," he thought, "but I'm hearing water running." He got up to investigate, as well as to pop some pills and drink some coffee. As he walked over towards the bathroom, he could distinctly hear some singing coming from inside.  
  
_"You look so fine, I want to break your heart and give you mine."  
_  
Severus's eyes widened in a such a shocked expression that his composed nature would never normally allow. "I know that voice," he thought. "Granger! She's in my shower!"

* * *

Down in the breakfast area of the hotel, Dumbledore and McGonagall were already up and getting their breakfast.  
  
"If you ask me, Minerva," said Dumbledore. "Rush Hour 2 is much better than the first Rush Hour."  
  
McGonagall put some cream into her coffee, "I disagree, Albus. The only funny moments in the second one were recycled jokes from the first one."  
  
Dumbledore reached out and slapped the cream from her hand. "LIES!!! The recycled jokes were only part of the humor, and they were MUCH funnier the second time around!"  
  
McGonagall stood up abruptly and shoved Dumbledore, knocking him into the table behind him. "Want to make something of it, huh, punk?"  
  
"Hey! I'm trying to eat Rice Krispies here!" said the elderly man Dumbledore hit as he flew into the table behind him. "How can I watch CNN if you're jabbering?"  
  
"SH----UT UP!" said Dumbledore, who flipped over the old man's table.  
  
"My... my cereal!!!" said the old man. "You will pay! Power Rangers, assemble!" The old man held out some buckle thing and shouted "Tyrannosaurus!" And suddenly, the man turned into the Red Power Ranger. Four more figures burst into the hotel lobby and made a mad dash towards Dumbledore.  
  
Possibly the greatest battle the world has ever seen took place that day. McGonagall and Dumbledore took on the five legendary original Power Rangers. It would have probably gone on forever, the epic battle that it was, only Goyle came down five minutes after it started.  
  
"Hey!" he said. "Would you stop fighting! I think you all forgot about the true meaning of continental breakfast. It's a time where complete strangers can sit around in a hotel lobby together, enjoying a good danish and not speaking to one another. For shame!"  
  
Dumbledore and the Red Ranger looked at each other, tears in their eyes. "Oh! He's so right!" exclaimed Dumbledore, as he hugged the old Power Ranger. "I know, I know! I was so wrong!" said the Red Ranger. "Noo!" said Dumbledore. "I was the one who was wrong!"  
  
McGonagall raised an eyebrow. "This is very touching and all, but can we please just eat our breakfast now?"

* * *

Back in Snape's hotel room, Severus stood completely still. Had he done the unthinkable, with Granger? He couldn't remember anything after his second Bloody Mary from the previous evening. He shuddered to think about it anymore. And there was Hermione, singing away in his shower. He had to do something!"  
  
_"It's a question of lust, it's a question of trust, it's a question of not letting what we've built up crumble to dust!"_ she sang.  
  
"A Question of Lust, huh, Miss Granger?" said Professor Snape. "It's a good Depeche Mode song, but not the best."  
  
Hermione froze in the shower. "What is HE doing in here?" she thought. "Oooh! Maybe he wants to sleep with me, hehe!" And with that idea lingering on her mind, she shut off the water, draped a towel over he body, and walked out of the shower, trying her best to look incredibly seductive.  
  
"Severus, you dog," she said. "You certainly are brave to come waltzing into my bathroom like this. And I agree with your Depeche Mode statement, but you'll have to admit You Look So Fine is one of the best Garbage songs.  
  
"Actually, I do agree with that," said Snape. "... wait a minute. YOUR bathroom? You are clearly in my hotel room."  
  
"No way!" said Hermione. "I distinctly remember... um... well actually I don't really remember anything. You see, for some reason, the entire night was a blur to me. I didn't even have anything to drink, I only ate brownies. My first sound memory is this morning when I woke up next to you. I thought I was dreaming, so I went to take a shower to get some clarity, but I guess it was real, wasn't it?" Hermione paused a moment. "Did we... you know? Because that would suck if I had no recollection of it. You must remember! Tell me!"  
  
"Actually, Miss Granger, I was somewhat inebriated myself. I don't remember anything myself," responded Snape. "Besides, I have more class than to seduce an underage girl who is obviously intoxicated, especially one who's been dying to sleep with me as it is."  
  
"Oh my!" she exclaimed. "I could be carrying your child right now!"  
  
"What!" spat Snape, who was obviously sickened by the thought of it.  
  
"What shall we name him, Sevvy, I have a feeling it's a boy. Hmm, Severus Junior sounds good to me. For now on, I'm eating for two! Wanna get some breakfast with your baby's mama?" squealed Hermione.  
  
"What are you talking about!" demanded Snape, but that domineering Hermione had once again dragged him by the arm and lead him down the elevator to get some breakfast.

* * *

"Yummy yummy!" said Draco as he and Harry entered the lobby. "I can't wait to get my banana nut muffin!"  
  
"You would pick something as gay as a banana nut muffin, wouldn't you? You raging homosexual!" said Pansy Parkinson who was standing by the entrance.  
  
"Pansy!" exclaimed Draco. "We've been over this a million times, you and I could never work out. I never meant to hurt you, I just need to be who I am inside."  
  
"Right, like I'm interested in YOU," said Pansy. At that moment, a disheveled-looking Lucius Malfoy turned the corner. "Now that," she said nodding in Lucius's direction, "is more my cup of tea. He has all the sex appeal you did, only much more rich, mature, and experienced." She waved at Mr. Malfoy and winked. He winked back and made a purring noise at her.  
  
Draco didn't say anything, he just passed out onto the ground.  
  
"Speak to me, my love!" said Harry, trying to get Draco to wake up. "Blast! It isn't working, I guess I'll just leave him here," he said as he went through the line. He ran into Goyle, who was eating a lot even for him. "What's up, Goyle?" asked Harry. "Anything wrong?"  
  
"It's.... it's. Harry, have you seen Ron anywhere by any chance?" asked Goyle.

* * *

Ron was standing in a hotel room, jumping on the bed and wearing a pair of pink rhinestone, novelty sunglasses and singing Crocodile Rock at the top of his lungs. He fell and collapsed into the bed, and looked next to him.  
  
"I want to thank you so much!" said Ron. "You've made me feel like I'm alive again."  
  
"Don't mention it," said Elton John as he held Ron's arm.  
  
"Yeah, it's us forever, Ronny!" said R Kelly. "If you told me yesterday that I would be in a polygamous relationship with a rather old gay superstar and a little red-headed boy, I would have been like 'Yo, that is whack!' But now I don't know how I could do without it. Little girls are nothing compared to this."  
  
"Yeah, ever since Draco's little speech to me and Goyle yesterday, I've totally lost all my inhibitions," said Ron. "Oh! But how am I going to break the news to him that it's over?"  
  
"Yeah," said Elton John. "I need to break up with Crabbe too."  
  
Suddenly, the Queer Eye guys burst through the door. "We've got a plan for you guys that is totally fabulous!" said Carson.  
  
"Really?" said R Kelly. "You're going to break up with Crabbe and Goyle for my boyfriends?"  
  
"No," said Jai. "But we do have tickets for 'Cats.' Who wants to go?"  
  
Everyone looked around and thought it over, for maybe a split second. Then they all dashed down to the Queer Eye car and took off to the play.

* * *

Harry turned to Goyle. "No, I haven't seen Ron anywhere."  
  
"Oh," said Goyle, looking rather disappointed. "Well, if you do, let me know, okay?"

* * *

"Ooooh! I get to push the button!" said Hermione as she raced towards the elevator and pressed the down button. She and Snape got inside and she reached for the first floor button.  
  
"Hold it a minute," said Snape. "You got to push the outside button, I get to push this one."  
  
"You really that upset over who gets to push the button?" said Hermione. "That's so childish!"  
  
"Really?" said Snape. "Well if it's so childish, you'll have no trouble letting me press the button."  
  
"Wait a minute!" exclaimed Hermione as she reached for the button. "I so called dibs on the button pushing!"  
  
Snape pushed her hand away. "Well you got the first one!" he shouted. "It's my turn to take this one!"  
  
"Oh yeah?" said Hermione. "Well, you'd better be nice to me, unless you forgot I'M CARRYING YOUR CHILD!"  
  
At that moment, Cornelius Fudge walked past the open elevator and gave a disgusted look to Hermione and Snape. Snape let go of Hermione's arm. "This isn't what it looks like, sir," he said. But as he released his grip, Hermione dived for the button. With that, the door shut. Cornelius Fudge stood gaping at the elevator as he heard a string of explicit language coming from Professor Snape.  
  
Inside the elevator, Snape reached for the buttons. "I cannot believe you, Miss Granger!" he said flatly. "Shouting those flagrant, blasphemous lies right in front of Cornelius Fudge. And even worse, deceiving me into letting you press the button!"  
  
"I should have known all along," said Hermione. "It's like my mom always told me, 'Hermione, never get involved with a mysteriously sexy Potions teacher. He'll only knock you up, break your heart, and try to push every elevator button!" Suddenly, the elevator lurched to a halt.  
  
"What was that?" said Snape.  
  
"The elevator!" said Hermione. "It's stuck!" 


	13. Strange Attraction

Harry Potter bit into his slightly toasted bagel and took a chair beside Hagrid, who had also just come down. It was actually pretty frightening, because Hagrid had not changed from his pink bunny pajamas. "You know what?" said Harry between bites of his bagel. "We haven't had many S-N-A-K-E jokes lately."  
  
"You're right, 'ere 'Arry." said Hagrid. He picked up his bowl of Fruit Loops and drank down the entire bowl, then stared at Harry.  
  
"What? What are you looking at?" said Harry.  
  
"Oh, nothing.... SNAKE!" said Hagrid.  
  
"DO IT TO ME!! DO IT TO ME LIKE THE PETRO-CHEMICAL INDUSTRY IS DOING IT TO INDIGENOUS TRIBAL COMMUNITIES IN LATIN AMERICA!"  
  
"Err... right," said Hagrid. "Now that was slightly strange and disappointing, yet also quirkily hilarious. Say, have you seen Professor Snape? I need to ask him a question about the Pygymy Noosle Minx Mating Potion."  
  
"What's that supposed to do?" asked Harry.  
  
"What does it sound like? It's a very powerful mating potion, it induces them mating process. Very useful in rare species," said Hagrid.  
  
"So," said Harry, "you've got some rare creatures that need mating back at school?"  
  
"No," said Hagrid, "actually, me and Olympe have a hot date coming up and I like to be sure that if I go to the trouble of showering, that I'll actually get something for it, ya know what I mean? Errr .... I probably shouldn't have told you that."  
  
"Yeah, you probably shouldn't have," said Harry. "Excuse me, but I'm going to go throw up now."

* * *

Professor Snape stood near the back of the elevator as Hermione frantically pounded on the elevator doors, in the unlikely hope that someone would hear her and let them out.  
  
"Miss Granger, I request you cease that infernal racket immediately," said Snape.  
  
Hermione turned to him, "Really, do you want to be stuck in here? Who knows how long it could be, just me and you, alone... in the... elevator. Mwah ha ha ha, maybe I will stop."  
  
Snape shuddered at this thought as he glanced at Hermione with disgust. "Take back every doubt I ever had about last night. I don't think it'd be humanly possible for me to be smashed enough to have even considered the unfortunate outcome you proposed."  
  
"Has anyone ever told you you're a miserable bastard?" said Hermione.  
  
"Yes," said Snape, "on a number of occasions."  
  
"You know," said Hermione. "I think you really do like me. You just are afraid to admit it. You make yourself act so horribly to me as a means to curb your actual admiration for me." Snape looked very sour at this last accusation. "See? You're doing it right now!" said Hermione. "You're proving me right."  
  
"I'm not proving anything other than my utter contempt and distaste for you, Miss Granger," said Snape. _"Does she have a point?"_ he thought. _"I really hope not. She is intelligent, with good taste in music and I've always admired that. Besides, we have so much tension you could cut it with a knife. Hmm... Mr. Severus Granger, errr, umm, I mean, Mr. and Mrs. Severus and Hermione Snape. Hmm... not exactly poetry, is it? I mean, what am I thinking about! I need to get these thoughts out of my head. Let me see, oh, I've got it. I'll sing. This is the song that never ends..."  
_  
"Professor Snape," said Hermione. "Why are you humming the Song That Never Ends with your fingers lodged in your ears?"  
  
Snape woke from his trance-like state and pulled his fingers from his ears. "Oh yeah, well... blast! I've got no witty comment. This is the effect you have on me, Granger!"  
  
"Effect? So I do effect you?" she said.  
  
His face grew flushed, but he quickly regained composure and told her flatly, "Yes, you do. I would say nausea constitutes as an effect."  
  
Hermione scowled at him, but just then the elevator lurched. "We're moving!" she said. But suddenly, the lights went out inside the elevator and the elevator started twitching eerily. "No!" she screamed. "We're going to fall to our deaths!"

* * *

Crabbe walked down to breakfast. "_Where's Elton?_" he thought. Truth be told, he didn't really care about Elton a whole lot. But being in a relationship meant he had less time to think about Goyle. Goyle! Oh, he missed him so terribly. It was supposed to be them, them forever.  
  
Goyle looked up from his breakfast and saw Crabbe walking down. He always liked the way Crabbe looked in the morning, his hair all messy like that. He tried to shake himself out of the thoughts he was having for Crabbe. "_I'm with Ron now, remember_?" he thought. Ron. He was a nice boy, but they didn't have the connection he and Crabbe had. He was so foolish to throw that all away for a fling with a saucy red-head. He could barely contain his emotions anymore. He rose from the table and went towards his room before anyone could see how affected he had become.

* * *

"Here here!" said Dumbledore, pointing to a newspaper. "Look at this! Fred and George are on the front page of a Muggle Newspaper!"  
  
"Let me see," said Harry. "You're right!" he as he read the article, "'Unknown actors, Fred and George Weasley are to star in the Hollywood production of Ginger Chaps, a film about a pair of brothers who play a magical game called Quidditch. Quidditch is a sport played by wizards on broomsticks.' How do the Muggles know about Quidditch?" asked Harry.  
  
"To them this is just fantasy," said McGonagall. "They think it's more Hollywood hogwash."  
  
"You know what WAS hogwash?" said Dumbledore. "SpiderMan 2. That movie sucked!"  
  
McGonagall paused, "You know what, Dumbledore? For about the first time in my life, I actually agree with you."  
  
"Here here!" said Trelawney, who had suddenly appeared behind them.  
  
"What the hell is up with you popping up out of nowhere?" said Dumbledore. "You're not even supposed to be in this one!"  
  
"So I keep hearing," said Trelwaney. "Anyway, in celebration of the suckiness of SpiderMan 2, let's all have a drink, shall we?"

* * *

The elevator was pitch black and slowly shifting, as though one wrong move could plummet both Snape and Hermione to their deaths. Both were afraid to even breathe. Suddenly, something snapped and the elevator tilted at a harsh angle, sending Snape into the opposite wall. Hermione was no match for the gravity either and fell directly onto Snape.  
  
"What just happened?" she said.  
  
"I think one of the support cables just snapped," he said.  
  
"We're going to die, aren't we?" she said. Snape didn't say a word. "Well," she said, "since we're going to die, there's no use in tiptoeing around the subject anymore. I'm sure you know I admire you, I haven't done very much to hide that, I know. But I've acted so foolish about it. All my sexual advances, as much as I wanted that too, they weren't what I was really after. The truth is, I'm in love with you."  
  
The elevator creaked some more and the solitary remaining cord seemed ready to tear at a moment's notice. "Please, please say something," said Hermione to Snape. "God! Even if you really do loathe me, let me know. Before I die, I just want to know what I could have done to make you love me back. Don't just stand there! PLEASE!"  
  
Suddenly, the last remaining cord snapped. and the elevator plunged. Hermione's eyes filled with tears and she clutched onto Snape as they fell. "Goodbye, Professor Snape," she said.  
  
"Goodbye, Miss Granger," said Professor Snape. "And... I never really loathed you." However, at that instant, something crazy happened! Someone opened a small door at the top of the elevator and jumped inside.  
  
"Don't worry, we're here to help!" said a girl in a yellow suit.  
  
"Oh!" said Hermione. "You're the Yellow Ranger!" She turned to the Power Ranger and whispered, "You were always my favorite."  
  
"Err, that's great," said the Yellow Ranger. "Anyway, hold still while we save both of your asses. Go-go Sabre Tooth Tiger!"  
  
"Umm, isn't that a total rip off of Inspector Gadget? That whole go-go thing was done WAY before you did it," said Hermione.  
  
"Can it!" said the Yellow Ranger. "Do you want to die or not, biotch?" Suddenly a gigantic metal Sabre-Tooth Tiger came crashing through the walls. The tiger formed with 4 other metal Prehistoric animals to form -- The MEGAZORD!

* * *

Goyle made his way to his room. He had to get away. He wasn't thinking very clearly, as he was completely immersed with Crabbe. He ran right into someone. "Sorry," he said. He looked up. "C--Crabbe?"  
  
"Yeah," said Crabbe. "Look, I found something you might be interested in. It's a letter, from my boyfriend, and yours..."  
  
Goyle picked up the card. "And apparently from R Kelly too. I guess this means we're both dumped."  
  
"Yes," said Crabbe. The two of them just stood there awhile staring at each other.  
  
"Well, I've got to go," said Goyle quickly. "Yes, me too," said Crabbe. As Goyle walked away, he decided he would take one last look behind him. If he and Crabbe were meant to be, he would look back too._ "1...2...3...look_," thought Goyle. He whirled around and saw Crabbe, who had been stopped by a hotel employee. His heart sunk and he made his way back to his room.

* * *

Draco finally woke up from his fainting spell. "Father," he said. "Are you really involved with Pansy?" he said, still shocked.  
  
Lucius nodded. "Yes, I am Draco. I was very young when I married your mother. I didn't know many other pureblood wizards. I thought that since she was exactly the type of woman I was supposed to be with, why not marry her? I wasn't really in love, and neither was she. It's unfair to keep up a charade."  
  
"But Pansy," said Draco. "He cheated on my mother, what makes you think he won't cheat on you too?"  
  
"Oh," said Pansy. "I certainly think he will." Draco's eyes widened.   
  
"Let me try to explain my philosophy, Draco," said Lucius. "Now, I know everyone has a tendency to stray from time to time, but I firmly believe there's one person out there with whom we were intended to spend forever with, even if we shall you say, test other waters from time to time, they're the one you truly love at the end of the day. I know it sounds ludicrous, but Pansy is that girl."  
  
"I think I understand, dad," said Draco. "Though Pansy? Weird!"  
  
"Yeah, tell me about it!" said Lucius. "Although you can't imagine the weirdness I felt when I found out the arch enemy of my lord and master was marrying my son. Much less the fact that you were gay."  
  
"Touche, dad!" said Draco. "Yep, you've certainly got me there!"

* * *

The Megazord picked up the falling elevator and stopped it, letting Hermione and Snape out into the lobby. Dumbledore quickly ran over to see what was going on.  
  
"Dumbles, my brother!" said the Red Ranger. "I think these are your people," he said motioning to Hermione and Snape.  
  
"You saved them?" said Dumbledore, half disappointed. It would have been more romantic had they fallen to their deaths, you know.  
  
"Why don't you look a gift horse in the mouth, Dumbledore?" said the Red Ranger. "You're a real bastard. We risked our lives to save your friends, and also risked our bank account. Do you know how much money it will cost us to repair all those walls we broke through? We burst in on this one couple that will certainly sue us, as we caught them in the act."  
  
"Caught them in the act? Well, it was an accident, you were there to save lives, you'll get off," said McGonagall, who had just come over.  
  
"Well, maybe that would have worked if we didn't stand around and watch them for 15 minutes," said the Red Ranger. "Well, I've got to be going. See you blokes around!" And with that, they were both off.  
  
"Are you okay?" Snape asked Hermione.  
  
"Yes, yes," she said. "I'll be just fine."  
  
"I've been thinking about what you said," he told her, "what you said in the elevator."  
  
"You have?" she said.  
  
"Well, after all, Miss Granger," said Snape. "Together, we've been fugitives from the law, threatened by intimidating rednecks, we've slept together on more than one occasion, been trapped in an elevator, one in which we were falling to our deaths no less, and of course we've caught in a number of rather embarassing situations. We've been through so much together in such a short time. Who else could possibly understand except for you? What I'm really getting at is..."  
  
"Oh yes!" said Hermione. "I will marry you, Severus!"  
  
"Don't get ahead of yourself," said Snape with a slight smile.  
  
Hermione's face lit up, "So you do occasionally smile from time to time!"  
  
"Yuck! Don't make me lose my quiche!" exclaimed Dumbledore. "This is getting far too mushy for my tastes! Let's leave before any more crappy love things can happen!"

* * *

**::Ending Note::** Okay, next chapter will REALLY be the last this time. It'll pretty much catch up with all the characters and tell you how everything turned out in the end. It won't really be the same format. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure about this chapter. Kind of saccharin. I'm not usually into all that romantic craptasticness, but I guess I kind of built up the relationships, so I may as well finish them off. I'll try and cut some of the sickingly sweetness in the next chapter. Anyway, as much as I don't like it, please read and review anyway. Sorry about the legenth again. I promise the next one won't be so bad. I just have no life, so I type for so long. Like this. Blah blah blah, I really didn't need to put that, but yet I did away. Mwah hahahaha hahhahah. Lovely. Okay. Now I'm done.

Oh! And thanks again to all of you who review!


	14. It's FINALLY Over

**::Note from Lams::** Okay, here it is! The final chapter of this insane, insane little story of mine. So since it is the last time and all, I have to give on last HUGE thanks to everyone who reviews this. Seriously, it totally makes my day when I see that I've actually got some reviews. Yeah, I had absolutely NO idea that my story would turn out this way. It was supposed to be a nice little camping trip, and suddenly everyone is gay and the Power Rangers are running around. I'm not sure how that happened, but I kind of like it. This isn't my best chapter, but you needed closure, oh and.

**REALLY REALLY BIG THANKS TO She-who-must-not-be-named666 and KeithUrbanFan!**

I've been putting off my writing and I'd have never gotten around to posting this if it wasn't for them reminding and encouraging me to put something up. Everyone, check out their fics. They're some of the best out there! Do it or I'll send Colin Creevy's ghost after you!

* * *

_**Where Are They Now?** - First Annual Hogwarts Camping Trip Edition_ Because I'm every so certain you're just dying to know what happened to all our happy campers after they left the hotel that day, I will reveal what they all went on to do.  
  
**Luna Lovegood** - After Luna graduated from Hogwarts, she worked briefly for the Quibbler. However, she found she made more money selling her brownies to her co-workers. During her time at the Quibbler, the sales hit an all-time high, probably because the journalists were all high and the stories were zanier than ever. Luna left the Quibbler at the age of 20 and inadvertently became a Chicago mob boss. From there, she came to own all of Chicago, and eventually took over the world. Currently, her Majesty lives on a llama farm with her pet iguana, Jub-Jub.  
  
**Minerva McGonagall** - After the wedding of Draco and Harry, Minerva gained a realization of her biological clock which she had been ignoring for years. She wanted a baby really badly and decided to look up a surrogate father to help her. She went to the Surrogate Father store and browsed through many potential candidates, but didn't find any to her liking. The manager suggested that maybe he could contact someone who used to work there. He was the best they ever had. The manager called up the guy on the phone and he accepted. McGonagall went back to her house anxiously and put on her best baby making clothes, waiting for this mystery man to show up. The doorbell rang, and instead of the sexy sex machine she was expecting, Severus Snape stood at the door, who was almost as scantily clad as she was. They both gaped at each other for a couple of seconds, threw up, gaped again, threw up again... yeah, it went on like that for a couple of hours. They finally agreed to pretend that entire event never happened. McGonagall lost all desire to have children that day. She spent the rest of her life teaching at Hogwarts, but had to carry a barf bag around with her at all times because she would toss her cookies whenever she so much as heard about Professor Snape.  
  
**Lavender Brown **- After using Voodoo magic on Dumbledore during the camping trip, Lavender discovered that she was a Voodoo Priestess in a past life and quit school to follow her dream to practice Voodoo on people. She opened a small Voodoo shop in the Louisiana bayou. One day, a perky young blonde came into the store. She had hopes of becoming a mega-superstar with a recording career. She was going to try and start off her career by auditioning for the Mickey Mouse club that weekend. Lavender thought she was rather pathetic, after all, who would waste their money on CDs by a girl that couldn't even sing, play any instruments, or write her own songs? But she performed some magic on her, and sure enough, that little girl got her role on the Mickey Mouse club and eventually got her recording career, with a little breast augmentation, courtesy of Lavender Brown. After her work with Britney Spears, Lavender gained legions of untalented celebrity cliental, such as Justin Timberlake, Jennifer Lopez, and Hilary Duff. However, after it was discovered that she was responsible for Hilary Duff's fame, an angry mob went to brutally murder her, only they found her dead. She had killed herself for unleashing the evil of Hilary Duff onto the world, but honestly, if you were responsible for that, wouldn't you kill yourself too?  
  
**Lucius Malfoy and Pansy Parkinson Malfoy** - True to their words, they got married shortly after Draco did. They started a revolution of sexual freedom and became icons for the rest of the world. With their newly-found fame and fortune, they decided to do what all bored celebrities do: open a second-rate restaurant. They went in on it with some other wizard and non-wizard celebrities, such as Harry Potter, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sasquatch, Will Ferrel, Colin Farrel, Scottie Pippin, a Sadaam Hussein look-alike, and George W. Bush. They named it Unkle Penguin's Slaughter-Your-Own Dinner Shack. It was a big success, at first. High-profile celebrities all came in to murder their own dinners and eat them. They all got a glossy, high-quality picture of them covered in the blood of their dinner as an added bonus for dining there. However, the restaurant came to a tragic end the day Courtney Love came in to stab a cow. Thinking Courtney was Sadaam Hussein, George W. Bush stabbed her. Then the fake Sadaam stabbed Colin Farrel because he was jealous of his beautiful hair. Suddenly, everyone was stabbing everyone else. Seeing this as their opportunity for revolution, the cows picked up machine guns (don't ask me how) and started shooing everybody. Lucius, Harry, and Pansy got out okay, but otherwise there were no survivors, well, except for the cows, who became soldiers in Luna Lovegood's army.  
  
**Lord Voldemort**- Voldemort, who was quite powerful after sacrificing Colin Creevy, went to take over the world. However, he was no match for Luna Lovegood and her cow army, so he died.  
  
**Parvati Patil** - Parvati started her own fashion line, only using saran wrap and duct tape. It was incredibly popular with wizards and Muggles alike. She made a bundle of money and decided to invest it in the stock market. On her sister, Padma's advice, she put all of her money into Unkle Penguin's Slaughter-Your-Own Dinner Shack and lost all of her money the day after the massive deaths took place. After becoming really poor, she moved in with Padma and borrowed some money to make a machine that converted baby's gurgling into English. She made a lot of money and was rich again. She eventually married Ralph Nader and went around talking about carrot juice and why cars are the devil.  
  
**Ron Weasley** - Ron went on to realize he wasn't really gay. He spent the rest of his days chasing after random women, pretending that he was a pimp or something. But despite all his best efforts to tap some ass, Ron Weasley died a virgin. Boo hoo!  
  
**Rubeus Hagrid** - Hagrid actually lived a fairly normal life. He married Madame Maxine and had a bunch of oversized children. He got bored with teaching Care of Magical Creatures at Hogwarts, so he decided to sign up to be on MTV's the Real World. The other people on the show were confused by his presence. They already had the gay one, the naive one, the bitch, the jock; what the hell was he supposed to be? He didn't follow any of the stereotypical Real World cliche personalities. Realizing their error in doing something that wasn't completely cliche, MTV took him off the Real World and instead put him on Say What Karaoke. He did such a stunning performance of "Like a Virgin" that they asked him to host TRL. Suddenly, Hagrid-mania took off. 12 year old girls everywhere started buying Tiger Beat magazine to get posters of him that they could hang all over their rooms. However, his stint at TRL ended when they realized that he was old and married. They said they already had John Norris on the MTV staff, and if they had anyone else over the age of 30, the building would explode, so they had to fire him. Hagrid then took a job on the View and went on to write a variety of best-selling cookbooks.  
  
**Crabbe and Goyle** - Crabbe and Goyle didn't see each other again for 10 years. They accidentally bumped into one another while moshing at a Frankie Goes to Hollywood concert. Their eyes met and they realized how foolish they were for being apart all these years. They got married on the spot. They bought a small house in the country and took in stray animals. Blah! This is short, but it's all I've got.  
  
**Albus Dumbledore** - Dumbledore went on to run Hogwarts until he decided to join the cast of Friends. Only, by the time he joined, Friends was over, so he decided to join Will and Grace instead. He was cast as Jack's sugar daddy love interest. Dumbles was only on the show for one season, but he made a good enough impression to get cast in critically acclaimed films. He even won an Oscar for his work in "Kiss My Grits," a celebrated movie about the plight of unattractive waitresses. However, he made a fatal mistake when he made his acceptance speech. He said that this movie was really a pile of dog poop, with no merits or value whatsoever. The script was dumb, but all the Hollywood elitists ate it up anyway because it was indie. Now, there's nothing Hollywood elitists hate more than being called on how much of pseudo intellectuals they are, so needless to say, Dumbly never got another job in Hollywood. However, he worked in Compton writing the scripts to bad pornos.  
  
**Fred and George** - They went on to make a bunch of really successful movies. They decided they would study the Kabbalah, not because they believed any of it, but because it was the trendy new Hollywood religion. George married my sister (I had to put that one in for ya, Lyssers!) and Fred married some other chick. They made a lot of money and life was good. And I'm ending this now, cause to tell the honest truth, I'm sick of writing this way. I need dialogue!  
  
**Harry and Draco** - Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy ended up living rather normal lives, compared to the rest of these people. They moved to Gotham City, where Draco donned a black suit and Harry wore a red one. They went around, fighting bad guys with their not so super, super hero powers. However, they kept their identities a complete secret. Their endevours inspired a highly successful comic book series. And from there, movies and TV shows were made about the twosome. To the world, they were crime fighters and partners to the end. Only, the rest of the world was unaware of the true meaning of the word "partners." After awhile, they got bored of saving the world from crime and evil, so they let the Powerpuff Girls take over. They decided instead, that they would join a troupe of urban dancers. They all got dancin' nicknames. Draco was "Whitey McBlondehair," and Harry was "Mack Daddy VonFlaminghomosexual." They were great, they even appeared in the movie "You've Got Served." Never seen it? Eh, don't worry, I haven't either. After awhile, they settled down and adopted 1 child and raised her back in merry old England. Her name was Ermionehay Apesnay and she had really weird hair. It was kind of bushy, yet kind of greasy all at the same time. Who her biological parents were, they never knew, but she was always referencing "Hogwarts, A History," and plotting to get the position of Defense Against the Dark Arts professor at Hogwarts.  
  
**Hermione Granger** - After the camping trip ended and everyone went home, Hermione wrote a bunch of letters to Snape, hoping he would write back. Only, she never got a single letter in return. She was heartbroken. The next couple years at Hogwarts sucked for her, Snape didn't even look at her. She wanted to die, it was so awful. As she was boarding the carriages at the end of her 7th year, she scanned the teachers who were bidding them all farewell in hopes to see Snape, but he wasn't there. As the carriages went off down the road, she could have sworn she saw Snape standing in the window of one of the towers, watching them leave. During the next couple of years, she put on a lot of weight and drank a lot of butterbeer. Finally, she ran into Dobby the House Elf, who reminded her of S.P.E.W. That renewed her zest for life, so she got some psychiatric help for her unhealthy fascination with Severus Snape. And from there, she took her organization worldwide. It gained a lot of followers and a lot of opposition. Hermione also became an strong supporter of women's rights and was very open about her decision to never marry...  
  
**Severus Snape** - After the camping trip, Severus waited to hear from Hermione. Only, he never recieved so much as a single letter from her. He wasn't the type to initiate communication, but after awhile, he couldn't bear it anymore, so he wrote to her but never recieved a reply. At school, he couldn't stand to look at her. Sometimes he could hear her laugh in class, and it killed him. How could she have gone on with her life, how could she laugh? Naturally, this put him in an exceptionally foul mood, so he would assign double homework. He stayed inside the day she left Hogwarts forever. He would need his space, so he watched them leave from an upper tower. Years later, while walking the corridors of Hogwarts, he stumbled into the quarters of Dobby the House Elf, quite by accident. Inside, he found not only his letter to Hermione, but all the ones she had tried to send to him. He knew that she was now president of the S.P.E.W. movement. There would be a big rally the next day in Hogsmede. He would have to go, have to tell her that all those years of anguish had been a big misunderstanding.  
  
**Hermione and Sevvy** - Hermione met Snape again at a S.P.E.W. rally. She was speaking to her primary House Elf Advisor, Dobby, when he arrived. At first, she didn't want to speak to him, after all those years of therapy, but she eventually caved in when he showed her the letters. He explained it all to her and she threw her arms around him, wondering how she could have doubted him. They both turned their attention towards Dobby. (Wow, this is getting way too serious, I've got to make it a little more zany.) Dobby looked up at them and knew his scheme had been found out. He wanted Hermione to stay away from Snape so he could manipulate her easier. His goal was to enslave the wizards, but under harsher conditions than the House Elves. But it was too late now, Dobby stole the one ring from Frodo Baggins, so now, he could rule them all. He started cackling menacingly, but just then, the Power Rangers and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles appeared out of nowhere, and tried to take down Dobby. But Dobby had allies too. Out of nowhere, the Gummi Bears and Xena, Warrior Princess jumped out and attacked the Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles. It was an epic battle that went on for years. The battle was ended when Gollum attacked Dobby for the ring. The struggled for awhile, but got knocked into the air by one of the Megazords. They each flew into one of Xena's pokey breast plates and got stabbed right through. The ring was destroyed afterwards and Hermione and Snape started a new organization, called "Enslave the House Elf Bastards," together. They did get married. They had one child, but decided to give their child to a gay couple after reading an article about how hard it was for gay wizards to find any wizard children to adopt. But anyhow, they had a lovely and wonderful marriage, the best that could be had.

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**::Ending Note::** Blaaaaaahhhhh, not a good ending, but oh well, it's all over now. Pretty please review! And check out my other fics. I really will update my back to school one soon and I'll probably write a brand spanking new one soon. Thanks so much again for reading this loony fic of mine!


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